Well, in spite of the precaution my friend has suggested I take, I am posting the final chapter to this novella this week. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and know that Christian women struggle too; we struggle with marital, monetary, and man issues, but God is faithful, and WILL give us victory when we stand on His word. Here is chapter 6 of God's Mind.
Chapter 6
”Mommy, it’s eight o’clock!” Startled, Kelly opened her eyes. “It’s eight o’clock”, said her daughter, Aharah. “Don’t you remember what day it is?” Kelly thought for a moment. “Sure I do, boo. It’s you High School Graduation Day—how could I forget that?” The ceremony was scheduled to start at 10:00 AM, and Kevin and Kelly hurried to get dressed. Kevin was bursting with pride, and just about in tears. Aharah, “NaNa” to her family and close friends, was the last of their four children. She was attractive, spoiled, and had gotten on the wrong track when her parents pursuit of success resulted in her being left alone, with too much money, several afternoons each week. Kelly was so hurt by her daughter’s mistakes—which were so close to her own—realizing Aharah must have felt extremely alone and unloved to so violate her own body. God had shown Himself faithful however; Kelly released her daughter to God’s loving discipline and worked through her addiction with her. The result was an “A” student, with a full scholarship to college, and a genuine love relationship with her family, and her God. Her older brothers, Azel and Antwon teased, “We will be on that campus daily!, so remember who’s the boss!” Her sister, Annette, interjected; “Yes, please do remember—God is the boss, not Azel, nor Antwon” “Yeah, but we’re the Lord’s sword bearers—and we don’t bear the sword in vain!” Quipped Antwon playfully, making sure Aharah knew she had the love, concern, and protection of both her brothers. Kelly looked at her family and just beamed. Their finances were still a wreck, with no current prospects of prosperity, but her family was growing closer, and she was learning to trust God thoroughly, particularly in difficult times. Aharah received several awards at the ceremony. Her siblings and friends cheered; her parents cried, and everyone was happy. They returned home for a simple celebration with ice cream and cake before Aharah went to several graduation parties with her friends. Azel, Antwon, and Annette decided to spend the afternoon at a movie, leaving Kelly and Kevin alone.
After cleaning the dishes, Kevin sat down next to Kelly and took her hand. This took her by surprise; even when they were alone Kevin rarely wanted romance—exclusively…”Kelly”, he began. “I know you think I’m distant, and unconcerned about our future, but I’m not. I was so hurt over our loss, I was numb. I prayed, and cried, and studied secretly. I’m still not totally on point about all of that, but I know we will be successful, and it’s beginning right now. Come’ on; let’s take a walk. “Right now, Kevin?” “Yes, Now. Please?” Kelly felt fatigued, but was so intrigued by his sudden assertiveness she had to comply. They walked about five blocks, then Kevin stopped in front of a large ranch home. It was brightly painted, and had a beautiful, landscaped lawn. “I know how devastated you were when we lost our home. I was so angry! But I humbled myself and asked God for a miracle, and here it is! It’s ours, baby. What do you think? Kelly was speechless. “How…When…Who…Oh Kevin! Right there in the middle of the street, Kevin put his arms around Kelly’s waist and kissed her long and sweetly. “How’s that for romance, babe?” Kelly blushed as they walked up the steps of their new home. This was their chance for a new start. Kelly didn’t know how, but if Kevin could make the sacrifices it took to obtain that home, if he was beginning to understand his total dependence on God, surely Kelly could work toward a growing, Christ-centered relationship with her husband. She silently prayed for their growth, thanking God for their home, their family, and that she hadn’t slipped into the act of adultery.
Kelly tossed in her bed, not wanting to get up, although the alarm let her know it was time. The phone rang, causing her to look at the clock before answering; it was 8:00 AM “Hello?” “Sister Collins?” “Yes?” “I didn’t wake you, did I?” “Well, yes—you did. How can I help you?” “Do you know who this is?” “Uh…no, but how can I help you anyway?” Kelly said with a smile. Pastor James laughed heartily. “
Welcome back. Ready to get to work?” “Hey Pastor!” “I was hoping my director hadn’t forgotten me that quickly”, he teased. “No, I was just dreaming—this dream that was so…real…” “Wanna talk about it?” “NO. Its kind of…well, no. What time are we due to meet with the planning board?” “10:30 AM sharp. Need a ride?” “No thank you, Pastor, I think I’ll take a cab.” “Okay. See you there”. Kelly sat up and looked around. Her king-sized bed and satin sheets were a far cry from her meager dwellings of just five short years ago. If only things had really turned out as she had just dreamed—but no; God had made other plans for Kelly, Kevin and their four children. God had done all He had promised. Her writing had indeed brought her out of her financial straits; she now had three books on the best-seller list, and was traveling 30 weekends a year doing promotions and appearances. Her children were all either in college, or grad school—each on scholarship. Her prayers for her pastor, had consummated in fruitful ministry, of which she was a growing part, and were influencing him exactly as she requested. First, his sermons took on new power, as he expounded the scriptures with the authority that caused the lives of long time bench members to be changed. Next, his commitment to God was evidenced by his regular attendance at prayer service, and the creation of a men’s bible study—which he taught. He became so focused and faith filled that, after obtaining credentials to become an administrator of a non-profit organization, he quit his secular job, and began a recreation center which reached out to the HIV+ community surrounding the church, as well as students, seniors, and single parents. Today’s meeting with the planning board was to review the proposal Kelly had written for a youth writing program, which would expand the center’s current outreach, and to confirm her appointment as director of Teen Programs. She and Pastor James had become good, but not close friends in the last three years, and it was apparent he wanted more. After returning from her trip with her childhood friends, she decided to tenaciously pursue her writing career. She began by writing several articles for Christian magazines, using some of the material she created while working on a newsletter with the youth in her former church. She wrote tracts for youth and expository pieces based on what God revealed in her spirit during her intense devotional times—which had now increased to six hours daily. She grew in her love and understanding of Kevin, and only fellowshipped at Mt Holiness twice a month, seeking to remove herself from the temptation to her private fantasy. When she began to be published, their income began to increase, and she felt they could regain all they had lost, but sales were sporadic and were not quite enough to move into a larger home; they managed to remodel their current space, so that she could have a separate place in which to write, and Kevin’s faith seemed to be growing. His apparent resentment over the turn in their finances began to fade. Their home had more laughter now, and Kelly got closer to Kevin’s family. Just when she thought their life together would finally flourish, the bottom fell out—again. Just about the time Aharah was to graduate from high school, Kevin had been killed in a tragic accident, which also took the life of the 16 year-old driver of the stolen vehicle, and maimed her willing cohorts for life. Kelly was shattered; the children were heartsick. She could not imagine going on without Kevin, but just when she felt she could no longer endure the loneliness and despair, she saw God bring Kevin’s eleven brothers and sisters, and his mother to a personal relationship with Jesus, and her books began to take off. Finally, Kelly could see a purpose in her widowhood at such a young age. She found herself inundated with speaking and book signing requests, talk show appearances, and product endorsement appeals. As she discussed her life and the odd turns it had taken on national TV, she discovered new strength, new joy, and intense peace. She had no time to consider a personal relationship with any man. She reminisced about all these things as she dressed in a classic navy-checkered suit for the meeting, and wore one of her signature earring, necklace, and bracelet ensembles. It was important that the planning board not think her too “celebrated” for the position. They wanted to know she was committed to the title, capable, and most of all a “team player”, willing to be responsive to the community’s changing needs. At about 10:00 AM, Pastor James knocked on her door. She was surprised to see him—he had never been to her home before—but graciously invited him in. “It was very kind of you to come, but I really would have taken a cab”. “Yes, I know”, responded Pastor James, maintaining a gentle, serious tone. “I was hoping we could talk a bit before the meeting.” “Is something wrong, Pastor?” “No, no; I just need to talk to you, if I may.” Kelly froze in place. Pastor James reached for her hand, beckoned her to sit, and looked deep into her eyes. “You know, when I first saw you, I very innocently desired to get to know you; I sensed the glory of God on your life in a powerful way—besides, I found you very beautiful.” Kelly blushed, and they both chuckled, as he looked down, then back up. “When I discovered you were married, I thought my hope of having a relationship with you would dissipate—but it didn’t; it actually increased. This is why I never responded in a personal way to your cards. My struggle to maintain a pure thought life, and remain true to my calling, grew my faith, and my ministry. I noticed I spent more time in the Word, my understanding was enlarged, and I longed to spend more time with my Savior. I perceived a deep need to lead—not send—the congregation into prayer each Tuesday night. As I cried out to God, acknowledging my need for His power to affect the work He had given into my hand, He met every need. As you know, I’ve been able to go into full-time ministry, I’ve seen lives changed—my own included—and the center is flourishing with more provision than I’ve asked for.” Pastor James was still holding Kelly’s hands, and she was quite uncomfortable now, yet he didn’t let her go as he continued. “What I’m trying to say is, I’ve had many female friends and acquaintances. I’ve been attracted to many women, but I’ve never met a woman who compelled me to draw closer to Christ, to trust Him more, and who made me believe a personal relationship with her would not hinder my ministry. Do you think it’s possible that you could be the help-mate I’ve desired all these years?” Kelly’s palms were sweating now. She nervously pulled away. “I…I’m not sure this is a good time to talk about this. The meeting is in thirty minutes, I’m already nervous, and honestly, I enjoy being single.” “I can see you’re content Kelly, but do you think its possible God is calling you to the ministry of marriage to me?” Kelly got up. She walked over to the dining room table and began arranging the flowers. “Pastor James, I don’t know, but you have been the subject of many of my prayers. Like you, I felt strangely attracted to you from our first meeting, and struggled to maintain purity before Christ in my thoughts about you. I figured if I couldn’t help thinking about you, I would not give the devil a place to defeat me, so I turned those thoughts into intercession. I must say I have seen specific answers to each prayer, and God has done a wonderful work in your life. Each time my prayers were answered, I became more excited about how God was growing you and the ministry, but with the death of my parents, husband, and the financial problems that were storming my life, I had neither time nor inclination to dream of romance”. Kelly paused, then returned to where she had been sitting, but stood. “I’m not ready to consider marriage, or even a personal relationship with you.” Although Pastor held a special place in her heart, Kelly was not sure she wanted the responsibility of being a pastor’s wife, or a wife at all. She enjoyed her freedom, she enjoyed the travel, and the ability to meet and speak with so many men about her love for Christ, without considering how it might look because she had a husband. “Would you consider a date?”, asked Pastor James, undaunted by her seeming reluctance to commit to him. “I guess that’s possible. Right now we’d probably best be on our way to that meeting”, said Kelly, gathering her purse and matching briefcase, and moving toward the door. “I want you to know I’m not a quitter. I won’t give up on winning your heart easily”, said Pastor James, as he opened the car door for her. She got in, looked into his beautiful gray eyes, and just smiled. It was a gorgeous fall day, brisk and sunny. She put on her shades to block the brightness of the morning sun. as they drove, she thought how she would have leaped at the chance to be with Pastor Janderson James years ago, but time and wisdom had taught her—even in seemingly good things—to get God’s mind before every decision. Her schedule and her heartache had kept Pastor James out of her thought life for over 4 years or so, even though she attended church as regularly as she could. It had always been in her heart to give a writing workshop for teens, so when the opportunity came to implement one, particularly at the church, she eagerly accepted the challenge, without concern of developing a relationship with him; had God taken her through all this hell just to bring her back to a relationship with Pastor James? “The ministry of marriage?” She had never quite considered marriage as ministry, but perhaps it is. You see, the love of Jesus is contagious, and it draws one upward. He loves us so much that He uses everything and anything to bring us to fullness of life in Him. It is His love—not the love of any other person—that makes us attractive and attracted to all that is like Him. It is also His love that makes us complete, and empowers us to walk into our destiny. When two people love Jesus, it’s hard for them not to love one another, and if other factors like age, availability, personality, and inclination, so deem, perhaps they are being called together to serve God as husband and wife. One thing is certain. Jesus does indeed have something wonderful for each of us! Sometimes what you crave is not for you, but if God has placed a dream in your heart, hold on to it. Don’t be discouraged because it seems difficult, far away, or extraordinary. Accept that longing in your heart as His love, drawing you away from the mediocre to the magnificent! It will be scary—at first. You may have to pass through confusing waters before you reach the shoreline of your future; you may even think your mind is playing tricks on you—so wonderful is His vision for you, but dare to believe, and whatever God places on your heart will be granted. Let no thing make you doubt, and your diligent pursuit will be rewarded, just as He said.
The ride to the church gave Kelly another opportunity to pray. “Oh my Father, this was not a part of the vision you showed me. You never told me initially that I was to take a husband after you took Kevin; could that really have been you saying Pastor James was my next husband? If it was, place your love in my heart for him. I am still much too fragile to trust my emotions. Again, I yield my will to your will for my life and expanding ministry,in Jesus’ name, Amen. Pastor James unexpectedly placed his hand over hers. This time, Kelly didn’t become nervous, or excited. She calmly accepted his embrace without speaking—knowing that if this was God ordained, she could not fight it, and if not ordained by Him, it didn’t stand a chance. With this thought, she confidently put her head back on the tilted headrest, her long, flowing weave blowing in the wind, and enjoyed the moment.
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Friday, April 2, 2010
God's Mind, Chapter 5
Chapter 5
On the other side of her emotions was her spirit. In her spirit, she was so happy! Her Dad, the one who taught her about God and the bible, would finally get to go “home” to live with God. He wouldn’t be weak, sick, or short of breath anymore. She could think of nothing so wonderful—even though she knew she would miss him. “Hey Poppy!” She said with a smile. “Kelly; is that you?” “Yes sir, it sure is!” “Are Dennis and Daisy here?” “No, I couldn’t bring them, but they said to tell you they love you. Look at you! You got the goatee going on and everything! How you feelin’?” “Oh I’m okay. I’m not in any pain, just weak. How’s Kevin?” “Oh he’s fine, working hard. You know what? I’ve got just one burning question that I’ve been dying to ask you: Has Jesus been all he said he would be?” My dad turned and looked at me with a smile. His eyes were sunken in his head, and had a death glaze over them. His voice was now just a hoarse whisper, but he responded enthusiastically, “MORE”. That settled most of Kelly’s concerns. Her daddy knew he was dying, and his faith was stronger than ever. This gave her courage that she certainly could walk through this with him. she even felt strong enough to hold him as he died, yet every night as she and her mom put him to bed, she was terror-stricken at the though he might expire during the night, leaving her and her mom to console one another while waiting for the coroner to pick up his body. “Poppy, I know you believe in divine healing; what do you want?” “Well, your mother doesn’t like to talk about it, but I’m ready to go”. I smiled. Well, I want what you want”. With that, they just sat a while. Soon after she would begin to see that although she had faith, and loved God, neither would stop the ache, nor the terror in her heart as she watched her father deteriorate during the last 4 weeks of his life.
Her thoughts of Pastor James held no comfort now, yet she still prayed for his safety and growth in the Spirit when he did cross her mind. She discovered the reality of a relationship with him was pure illusion. The pain she felt was so intense she could feel The Holy Spirit purging her as she emptied her father’s potty chair, helped him ambulate, and put him to bed each night. She and her mom usually sat up about an hour or so after her dad fell asleep watching “Diagnosis Murder”, talking and eating. Her mother had been under such extreme stress for over a year; she had no idea how severely her mom was being affected. She wrote daily in her journal, but never once mentioned her daddy dying. She avoided those words, and all her entries cloaked his death in a blanket of emotion which could have been evoked by anything. She wrote absolutely nothing about Pastor James, but continued to see the futility of this fantasy affair. All her wishing and imagining did nothing for her situation, and even made her feel more guilt about desiring a relationship while her father lay dying, and her husband was at home, diligently caring for their children. She wanted to run away, but there was no where to run. She wanted to cry, but there was no one to cry to. She was choking with grief, smothered in a fantasy, and dying to catch a breath of fresh air that didn’t seem available anywhere. The Sunday morning her father’s spirit left his body, her heart sank, she knew her world would never be the same again. She called Kevin. “Jay?” “Hi honey. How are you?” “Not good. Daddy’s gone, Jay.” Silence over the phone. “I want the kids to come down. Will you bring them?” “I can’t babe; you know I have to work.” That was it! She finally figured out what the basis of the problem of her marriage was: Kevin was emotionally unavailable. He refused to discuss his feelings, and he had no regard for hers! She couldn’t argue; She couldn’t believe he had even said that. “Okay.” “Maybe Melody or Randi will come get them and bring them.” “Okay. “Look, I gotta go. Tell your mom I said hello. I love you.” In the past, Kelly never needed Kevin or her friends to be strong for her; she had enough confidence in God, and nothing had yet pressed her beyond her ability to cope; when her father died, it was as though she lost her “covering” and had no strength to look to, so she became increasingly weak. As long as her father was alive, she knew she was protected by him and never looked to her husband to assume his role as protector. Suddenly she needed him to be someone he had never been, nor was prepared to be, and this was tearing her and Kevin apart. A week after burying her father, Kelly’s mom started getting a strange pain in her back that wouldn’t respond to any medication. They went to the Doctor. “Mrs. Connors your cancer has metastasized. We can give you something for the pain, but you’ll be needing hospice care soon.” Kelly’s mom just nodded, as though in a daze—and she was in a daze. “Hospice care?” Kelly thought. “Isn’t that for people who are dying? Daddy had hospice; don’t tell me…” Kelly’s mom died 3 months later. She was totally unprepared for her departure. They hadn’t talked about it; Kelly didn’t know her mother was that ill, even though her doctors tried subtlety to tell her, and she felt like they had so much unfinished business; she was devastated. This time her entire family joined her in Florida. She had to handle all her mother’s affairs. There she was in this small, rural town. She had met a few people during her father’s illness, but she knew no one. Her mom had introduced her to some distant cousins, but she didn’t feel that familial closeness. The one time she did break down, Kevin broke down too, saying his whole life was a wreck and something about all the mistakes he had made. This further crushed her hope of him ever being the strong, resilient knight she now needed him to be. She was insulted. Everything he was crying about could be fixed; her mother was dead, and she wasn’t coming back, and she could not even lean on Kevin to grieve her loss. During the months following her parents’ death, she was an emotional wreck, vacillating between deep faith, and deep depression. When she wasn’t crying, she was in terror of seeing a spirit. Then, her health began to fail. She developed high blood pressure, and her blood sugar also escalated. She gained weight, and was just generally miserable. Kelly and her family remained in her parents’ home until all the particulars of the will could be finalized. Instead of this being her comfort, it became the source of her deepest sorrow. A pain in her chest greeted her each morning, along with the pervasive though that her parents were dead. She was an orphan now. She was no longer anyone’s daughter. Pastor James was a distant memory. It was Kevin who was with her, providing for their family, holding her—even though she had to ask to be held—and being her companion, even though she could not get any emotional support from him. Kevin gave her all he had, and it wasn’t his fault she had wanted to be “Superwoman” 17 of the 20 years they had been married. The thought of moving back home initiated her healing. She believed the sooner she left that house, the sooner her heart could mend. Philly was large enough and had enough distractions to keep her mind on other things. It took two years to straighten out all the property and cash involved in her parents’ estate. Kelly’s health improved, and she lost about 80 lbs. When they finally sold the house and sent the last check to the last next of kin, they packed up their clothes and returned to Philadelphia. Using some of the money they made from selling the house, they put a down payment on a small three-bedroom house. The remaining money sustained them while Kevin sought to regain a place in the consulting business, and Kelly continued to write. Completely healed of her attraction to Pastor James, but still struggling in her relationship with Kevin, Kelly pondered whether or not to return to Mt. Holiness. “If nothing else, I’ve got to return to make sure I’m beyond this temptation. Okay. I won’t join the church, but I will go back, and maybe visit occasionally.” Kelly waited 4 weeks after returning to Philadelphia before attending church services at Mt. Holiness. She arrived in time for Sunday school and was delighted to see several of the acquaintances she had made during her brief fellowship three years ago. One of the female deacons she had met came over to hug her. “Kelly, is that you?” said Deacon Freeman. “Yes, it’s me!” said Kelly with a big smile. “You look great; how are you?” “All things considered, I am marvelous; you look wonderful too! I’ve missed you guys so much and the church looks really nice. How’s Deacon Raiford?” “Oh she’s just fine. She’s around here somewhere; are you living nearby?” “No. We purchased a home on the eastside, on State Street. “That is just wonderful; I’m so happy for you!” As Kelly continued to chat, service began. She and Deacon Freeman embraced again and took a seat. Kelly looked straight up into the pulpit, unintimidated by the thought of seeing Pastor James. The organist still had his anointing, and Kelly was quickly captivated by the music. When Pastor James came into the pulpit, she was so immersed in the service, she did not even see him at first. He then began to sing the lead of the song, and she recognized his voice before his face. The years had been kind to him. His hair was graying and brought out the color of his eyes. It seemed he had been working out some, but he still had the appearance of a middle aged gentleman, a bit overweight, yet stately. His clothes reflected his distinct taste, and she could tell from his double take that he remembered her. She was absolutely unmoved. “Oh, thank you Jesus!” Kelly shouted in her mind. “Boy am I glad that’s over!” She felt so free in service she began to dance as she sang: “Victory is mine, Victory is mine, Victory today is mine!” What an appropriate song for her to hear just as she saw Pastor again for the first time; she was elated, but still guarded. “I will not join here, but I will visit bi-monthly” said Kelly as she left after the morning service. She didn’t bother to look around to see if Pastor was coming her way, she didn’t care; she was just ecstatic to be back in a real city, at a real church, and really free from the bondage of secret sin. She hurriedly walked from the church to her car and drove away. Unknown to her, the eyes of Pastor James followed her into her car, and down to the stop sign.
On the other side of her emotions was her spirit. In her spirit, she was so happy! Her Dad, the one who taught her about God and the bible, would finally get to go “home” to live with God. He wouldn’t be weak, sick, or short of breath anymore. She could think of nothing so wonderful—even though she knew she would miss him. “Hey Poppy!” She said with a smile. “Kelly; is that you?” “Yes sir, it sure is!” “Are Dennis and Daisy here?” “No, I couldn’t bring them, but they said to tell you they love you. Look at you! You got the goatee going on and everything! How you feelin’?” “Oh I’m okay. I’m not in any pain, just weak. How’s Kevin?” “Oh he’s fine, working hard. You know what? I’ve got just one burning question that I’ve been dying to ask you: Has Jesus been all he said he would be?” My dad turned and looked at me with a smile. His eyes were sunken in his head, and had a death glaze over them. His voice was now just a hoarse whisper, but he responded enthusiastically, “MORE”. That settled most of Kelly’s concerns. Her daddy knew he was dying, and his faith was stronger than ever. This gave her courage that she certainly could walk through this with him. she even felt strong enough to hold him as he died, yet every night as she and her mom put him to bed, she was terror-stricken at the though he might expire during the night, leaving her and her mom to console one another while waiting for the coroner to pick up his body. “Poppy, I know you believe in divine healing; what do you want?” “Well, your mother doesn’t like to talk about it, but I’m ready to go”. I smiled. Well, I want what you want”. With that, they just sat a while. Soon after she would begin to see that although she had faith, and loved God, neither would stop the ache, nor the terror in her heart as she watched her father deteriorate during the last 4 weeks of his life.
Her thoughts of Pastor James held no comfort now, yet she still prayed for his safety and growth in the Spirit when he did cross her mind. She discovered the reality of a relationship with him was pure illusion. The pain she felt was so intense she could feel The Holy Spirit purging her as she emptied her father’s potty chair, helped him ambulate, and put him to bed each night. She and her mom usually sat up about an hour or so after her dad fell asleep watching “Diagnosis Murder”, talking and eating. Her mother had been under such extreme stress for over a year; she had no idea how severely her mom was being affected. She wrote daily in her journal, but never once mentioned her daddy dying. She avoided those words, and all her entries cloaked his death in a blanket of emotion which could have been evoked by anything. She wrote absolutely nothing about Pastor James, but continued to see the futility of this fantasy affair. All her wishing and imagining did nothing for her situation, and even made her feel more guilt about desiring a relationship while her father lay dying, and her husband was at home, diligently caring for their children. She wanted to run away, but there was no where to run. She wanted to cry, but there was no one to cry to. She was choking with grief, smothered in a fantasy, and dying to catch a breath of fresh air that didn’t seem available anywhere. The Sunday morning her father’s spirit left his body, her heart sank, she knew her world would never be the same again. She called Kevin. “Jay?” “Hi honey. How are you?” “Not good. Daddy’s gone, Jay.” Silence over the phone. “I want the kids to come down. Will you bring them?” “I can’t babe; you know I have to work.” That was it! She finally figured out what the basis of the problem of her marriage was: Kevin was emotionally unavailable. He refused to discuss his feelings, and he had no regard for hers! She couldn’t argue; She couldn’t believe he had even said that. “Okay.” “Maybe Melody or Randi will come get them and bring them.” “Okay. “Look, I gotta go. Tell your mom I said hello. I love you.” In the past, Kelly never needed Kevin or her friends to be strong for her; she had enough confidence in God, and nothing had yet pressed her beyond her ability to cope; when her father died, it was as though she lost her “covering” and had no strength to look to, so she became increasingly weak. As long as her father was alive, she knew she was protected by him and never looked to her husband to assume his role as protector. Suddenly she needed him to be someone he had never been, nor was prepared to be, and this was tearing her and Kevin apart. A week after burying her father, Kelly’s mom started getting a strange pain in her back that wouldn’t respond to any medication. They went to the Doctor. “Mrs. Connors your cancer has metastasized. We can give you something for the pain, but you’ll be needing hospice care soon.” Kelly’s mom just nodded, as though in a daze—and she was in a daze. “Hospice care?” Kelly thought. “Isn’t that for people who are dying? Daddy had hospice; don’t tell me…” Kelly’s mom died 3 months later. She was totally unprepared for her departure. They hadn’t talked about it; Kelly didn’t know her mother was that ill, even though her doctors tried subtlety to tell her, and she felt like they had so much unfinished business; she was devastated. This time her entire family joined her in Florida. She had to handle all her mother’s affairs. There she was in this small, rural town. She had met a few people during her father’s illness, but she knew no one. Her mom had introduced her to some distant cousins, but she didn’t feel that familial closeness. The one time she did break down, Kevin broke down too, saying his whole life was a wreck and something about all the mistakes he had made. This further crushed her hope of him ever being the strong, resilient knight she now needed him to be. She was insulted. Everything he was crying about could be fixed; her mother was dead, and she wasn’t coming back, and she could not even lean on Kevin to grieve her loss. During the months following her parents’ death, she was an emotional wreck, vacillating between deep faith, and deep depression. When she wasn’t crying, she was in terror of seeing a spirit. Then, her health began to fail. She developed high blood pressure, and her blood sugar also escalated. She gained weight, and was just generally miserable. Kelly and her family remained in her parents’ home until all the particulars of the will could be finalized. Instead of this being her comfort, it became the source of her deepest sorrow. A pain in her chest greeted her each morning, along with the pervasive though that her parents were dead. She was an orphan now. She was no longer anyone’s daughter. Pastor James was a distant memory. It was Kevin who was with her, providing for their family, holding her—even though she had to ask to be held—and being her companion, even though she could not get any emotional support from him. Kevin gave her all he had, and it wasn’t his fault she had wanted to be “Superwoman” 17 of the 20 years they had been married. The thought of moving back home initiated her healing. She believed the sooner she left that house, the sooner her heart could mend. Philly was large enough and had enough distractions to keep her mind on other things. It took two years to straighten out all the property and cash involved in her parents’ estate. Kelly’s health improved, and she lost about 80 lbs. When they finally sold the house and sent the last check to the last next of kin, they packed up their clothes and returned to Philadelphia. Using some of the money they made from selling the house, they put a down payment on a small three-bedroom house. The remaining money sustained them while Kevin sought to regain a place in the consulting business, and Kelly continued to write. Completely healed of her attraction to Pastor James, but still struggling in her relationship with Kevin, Kelly pondered whether or not to return to Mt. Holiness. “If nothing else, I’ve got to return to make sure I’m beyond this temptation. Okay. I won’t join the church, but I will go back, and maybe visit occasionally.” Kelly waited 4 weeks after returning to Philadelphia before attending church services at Mt. Holiness. She arrived in time for Sunday school and was delighted to see several of the acquaintances she had made during her brief fellowship three years ago. One of the female deacons she had met came over to hug her. “Kelly, is that you?” said Deacon Freeman. “Yes, it’s me!” said Kelly with a big smile. “You look great; how are you?” “All things considered, I am marvelous; you look wonderful too! I’ve missed you guys so much and the church looks really nice. How’s Deacon Raiford?” “Oh she’s just fine. She’s around here somewhere; are you living nearby?” “No. We purchased a home on the eastside, on State Street. “That is just wonderful; I’m so happy for you!” As Kelly continued to chat, service began. She and Deacon Freeman embraced again and took a seat. Kelly looked straight up into the pulpit, unintimidated by the thought of seeing Pastor James. The organist still had his anointing, and Kelly was quickly captivated by the music. When Pastor James came into the pulpit, she was so immersed in the service, she did not even see him at first. He then began to sing the lead of the song, and she recognized his voice before his face. The years had been kind to him. His hair was graying and brought out the color of his eyes. It seemed he had been working out some, but he still had the appearance of a middle aged gentleman, a bit overweight, yet stately. His clothes reflected his distinct taste, and she could tell from his double take that he remembered her. She was absolutely unmoved. “Oh, thank you Jesus!” Kelly shouted in her mind. “Boy am I glad that’s over!” She felt so free in service she began to dance as she sang: “Victory is mine, Victory is mine, Victory today is mine!” What an appropriate song for her to hear just as she saw Pastor again for the first time; she was elated, but still guarded. “I will not join here, but I will visit bi-monthly” said Kelly as she left after the morning service. She didn’t bother to look around to see if Pastor was coming her way, she didn’t care; she was just ecstatic to be back in a real city, at a real church, and really free from the bondage of secret sin. She hurriedly walked from the church to her car and drove away. Unknown to her, the eyes of Pastor James followed her into her car, and down to the stop sign.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
God's Mind, Chapter 4!
I'm baaack! So, what do you think of the story so far? Any suggestions? Oh well, here we go with chapter four; keep reading!
Chapter
4
The
next morning, though well rested, Kelly was still in emotional turmoil. Although she could not imagine anything
becoming of it, she still felt unreasonably close to
in their mutual attraction. She decided
that, if she couldn’t stop thinking about him, she could turn thoughts of him
into intercessory prayer and perhaps during her dialog, God would resolve her
increasing distress.
longer, but realized she needed to be by her husband’s side, enduring the test,
growing in grace, and learning how to allow the “Full armor of God” to protect
her from every temptation. Just before
she and Melody got into the car, Melody brought up the subject of Kelly’s
trials with Kevin. “Kelly, are you sure
everything is alright with you and Kevin?”
“Melody, we’re fine. We’ve been
together almost 20 years now! It’s a
little late to say we made a mistake—don’t ‘cha think?” Well, all I know is, I wish I had a man like Kevin.”
let that comment drop and put her suitcase in the trunk. “You know
this trip has been a real blessing to me.
I really appreciate all the preparation and sacrifice that went into
such a wonderful gift.” “Oh girl please”,
responded Melody. “I love you—don’t you
know?” “Yeah, I know. I just want you to know how much this meant
to me. “It’s the least I can do
don’t know how much you and your whole family have meant to me. Tell me
do I look different?”
paid, but none of that gave her assurance that she had value. “Yeah, you look more mature, but still very
beautiful”,
earnest. “You’re still beautiful too,
and I love how you’ve colored your hair; what does Kevin think of it?” “You know Kevin. He only likes what is natural. That’s why I’ve got to get my fashion sense
from my sistas”.
and Melody laughed. “Maybe, but it sure
must be nice to have a husband who allows you to explore all you want to
be. You don’t know girl; these guys out
here today? They want you to have a
body, a job, cookin' skills and pay your share of the bills!
The bad part is, they may not have what they’re asking for! Dating is a real trip, girl!
chuckled. “What do you mean, my husband
allows me to explore all I want to be?”
“Kelly, these days men expect their wives to work, and bring their
paycheck to the table, fry up the bacon, take care of the kids, and be a sexaholic
too! Your husband has never required you
to work, so you’ve been free to try out whatever you wanted. Do you know what a blessing that is?” “Uh..I guess I don’t”, said
They arrived at the airport much too soon.
and Melody got out of the car; Melody set
bag near a bench in front of the terminal. “Call me
when you get home, okay?” “Okay. I love you”.
“I love you too. Be good”. “I’ll do what I can”, said Melody, smiling a
she drove off.
The
plane ride was uneventful.
before
meeting; she decided to take a nap. She made certain to pray for
into her thoughts just before sleep swallowed her consciousness. “Oh my Father”,
earnestly prayed. “I’m not sure why this
man is constantly on my mind, but grow him up in your word. Give him an even greater commitment to you,
and to the ministry you are preparing for him; let all that my heart desires be
according to your will. Amen”…
but kept a deliberate distance from
She focused on ways to show Kevin just how much she loved him, and
poured her heart out to God each morning in prayer after Kevin and her baby
daughter left the house. Sometimes she
would pray the entire morning, always remembering Pastor and Kevin.
That
evening, Kelly received a phone call. It
was her Mother on the other end, which of itself was not strange—they spoke
almost every day of the week, and sometimes two or three times a day, but this
time her Father was sick. Not only was
he sick, he as terminal. “Your Daddy’s
lung cancer came out of remission; the doctor doesn’t give him more than a few
weeks to live.” “A few weeks? What happened?” “I don’t know”, came her mother’s exasperated
reply. “How soon can you get here?” Well, Kevin gets paid Wednesday…” “He might not make it until Wednesday…” “But I don’t have any money. I can’t leave before Wednesday; can I speak
to him?” Her mom gave the phone to her
dad. “Hello there.” His thin voice
sounded hoarse and raspy. “Poppy? What happened to your voice? You sound so…different.” “Yeah”, he answered, straining to project
strength; “it’s the medicine. When you
comin’ to see me? Well, I can’t come
before Wednesday, but I’ll be there as soon as I can after that, okay? “Okay.
Here, talk to your mother.” “I
love you.” Immediately when she heard
his voice, she knew this was it. The day
she had rehearsed in her bosom and anticipated with dread was fast approaching. Amazingly she wasn’t afraid, just
heartbroken. Those who knew her knew how
close she was to her dad; even her mom didn’t think she would hold it
together. “Are you alright?” “Uh..yeah; are you alright?” “I’m fine; I’m just worried about you. I’m not sure you’re going to be able to handle
this.” “Oh Mommy, I’ll be fine, you’ll
see. God will keep me! “Uh huh.
I’ll see you when you get here.” The
joy of her walk with
she never had before. She felt like she
could handle anything, but as she boarded the bus that Thursday, the closer she
got to
the more anxious she became. Her dad was
her heart and she hadn’t seen him in 3 years.
She didn’t know what to expect, but she knew she had to go and see him, tell
him she loved him, and do whatever she could to help her mom. She purposely packed a light suitcase so she
could walk the four blocks to the house without assistance. She got there around
Everything in the little town of
was so still that time of morning. All
the blinds in the front of the house were drawn, and the door was closed and
locked. She went around to the back, where the blinds let in the
intense heat of the sun, and found her Mom sitting in the
kitchen, in her favorite chair. She was lovely as ever. Her thick, gray
hair was in braids; she never wore jewelry or makeup anymore, but her soft,
honey-brown skin was radiant.
really was into this retirement thing—big time—apparently enjoying the freedom
of prudent preparation. “Hey
Mommy!” Kelly smiled and greeted her
with a big hug and a kiss. “Hi. I see you made it.” ”Yep.
How’s Pop-Pop?” “He’s okay. He’s sleep, but the nurse is about to give
him a bath” “Yeah? Well, I’m gonna wake him up!” She put her bags down in the nearest room and
walked up to the front of the house where her parents’ bedroom was. It was as dark as the burgundy shades and
drawn curtains could make it; she had no idea it was because the light hurt her
dad’s eyes.
had to search for her father in the bed.
He had lost a tremendous amount of weight, and his thinning silver hair
was all gone in the top. It was apparent
his frail body was weak. He was growing
a goatee, which looked very classy, and even his illness could not detract from
his handsome face. All at once,
these would be the last days she would spend with her father—did she have what it
took to bear up? Would she really be
okay letting him go?
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
God's Mind, Chapter 2
Sorry you Guys and Dolls! Are you intrigued? Wondering what will happen with Kelly next? For being patient, I'm sharing chapter 3 as a bonus! Read now the continuing story of Kelly and Kevin, and enjoy!!
Chapter 2
Hesitantly, she looked up again. Pastor James locked eyes with her and she turned away without moving her head. He did not appeal to her physically, and she did not find his face striking; if the truth be told, he reminded her of a cartoon character. He wasn’t buff, but his demeanor drew her. She looked down again, trying to regain her focus. After communion, the choir marched in to a spirited rendition of “Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross” She joined in, careful not to sing too loudly for fear someone would hear her and suggest she join the choir. She had served on the choir in her former church, numerous committees, and regularly attended mid-week services, but for all of that, she hadn’t surrendered the secret places of her life to Christ’s lordship, nor had she learned to trust Him exclusively. Realizing this was the only way to honor God as He desired, she determined to build a relationship with Christ that would not be characterized by ardent, self-glorifying activity, but absolute faith and trust, which would follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, not the dictates of religion or the self-righteous. As the service progressed, she was overwhelmed with thanksgiving to finally find a fellowship where people just seemed happy to be in God’s service. They may have been just as empty and full of themselves as she had formerly been, but she couldn’t see it. Something about this church made her heart so grateful and filled with love for God, all she could see in the congregation was love and commitment to Jesus. Throughout the service, she graciously received each evidence of the presence of God’s Spirit. The ushers silently went about their duty with humble dignity, the choir sang under the anointing; the organist blew her mind with his timely, syncopated rhythms—as did the entire band—and the preacher? He taught and brought forth the word with power. When the service was over, she could hardly contain her joy. She approached the front of the church dazed, as if being pulled by an unseen force. When Pastor James reached out to shake her hand, she snapped back to reality, and demurely smiled. She looked into his eyes and there it was, that uncomfortable familiarity which made her feel like a schoolgirl of, perhaps twelve, in the presence of that little boy she was dying to meet. This time it was his eyes that quickly darted away. She gave her name to the church clerk, and returned to her seat. After the benediction, she hastily went out, baffled by what she felt blooming in her heart. She did not want it, nor did she understand it. “Lord, I love you, and you only”, she affirmed. “ It’s not right to feel these feelings for this man. I don’t even know him—he could be a serial killer in disguise! I have a husband, whom I love dearly; how can I hurt him like this?”
All during that week, she woke up with Pastor James on her mind. She went to bed with him on her mind. She thought about him intermittently throughout the day. “This is crazy”, she thought, as she now sat on the side of her and Kevin’s bed. “I’ve got to snap out of this”. She got up and prepared Kevin a cup of coffee. “I’ll be late tonight, baby. I’ve got to pick up Aharah from school, and I promised her we’d go window shopping at the mall”. “Okay. What about Antwon’s coat?” “I’ll pick it up from the cleaners on our way home. Love you”. His soft, full lips cuddled hers. She held on, wanting more, but he dare not demonstrate the love in his heart where the children could see them; they had a good life, in spite of their current trouble. Kevin was helpful around the house, and a wonderful father to their children. Sure, she would love for him to be more romantic, but that lack was not a motive for separation. This daydreaming about Pastor James was escalating—she envisioned them married, with twin boys and serving together in ministry! Kevin had conveniently died of a heart attack; her children were all in college—which was only about five years away—not living at home, and she had begun the career of her dreams: writing and traveling 20 weekends a year, promoting her best-selling books. This of course resulted in regular joy-filled reunions, misunderstandings and disappointments to be sure, but always ending with her in Pastor’s arms, smiling. Kelly could not shake these feelings, no matter how much she read her bible, prayed about it, or attempted to ignore them.
Another Sunday came. She again dressed modestly and went to church, arriving in time for Sunday Church School. Pastor James announced he was thinking about having a 7:30 AM—rather than an 11:00 AM service. It was turning out to be a hot summer, attendance was down, and perhaps more parishioners would attend Church School if there were only an early service to attend. “What?” Kelly thought. “I’ll never make it on time to a 7:30 AM service! I haven’t enjoyed a worship service like this in months! I hope he’s not serious!” She innocently, and without duplicity, wrote him a note, explaining her concern—not only for the unsaved, but also for those who, like her, were growing in their relationship with God, and needed to feel His presence in the context of a body of believers. Knowing her attraction to him, she hesitated to put the note in his hand. Besides, he was a feisty one; she had witnessed his quick humor, and sarcastic responses to those who questioned his decisions publicly. Not wanting to be shouted out, she was careful to include he need not respond to her request, but she hoped he would at least think about it. She solicited the help of an Associate Pastor in getting the note to Pastor James, but was invited to knock on the office door herself. “Are you sure it will be alright?” she queried. “Sure”, came the Associate’s response. “Pastor is right there; he won’t mind.” She nervously considered how she would react to a private moment with him, turned around, and slowly approached the door. She knocked, ever so lightly, and he tenderly answered, “Yes?” “Hi Pastor!” She greeted him with genuine affection as she opened the door. “Hi” he responded, unemotionally, and unable to see her. “How are you?” she said, feeling out his mood. “I’m fine”, he said, sounding somewhat agitated now, as though he wanted whomever was at his door to make their request known, so he could resume whatever he was doing. Kelly peeked inside of his office, then behind the door, and saw him sitting at his desk, fully robed with his bible open. He smiled that charming, schoolboy smile. She smiled back. “This—placing the note in his hand—is for you” she said, and stepped back to leave. “Thank you”, he said, obviously pleased.
Morning worship would begin shortly. She went into the ladies’ room, which had a lounge area and looked in the mirror. She checked her hair, and clothing. Her hair was neatly in place, in a casual style. She had on a pink business length suit, pink sandals, modest jewelry, and no stockings. She washed her hands, and went into the sanctuary, sitting again in an obscure seat in the back, from which she hoped her view of the pulpit would be blocked. Near the end of service, Pastor James announced that church would continue as it always had, and the time of service would not be changed. He had responded, without insulting her, and without making her note public. “Whew”, she sighed. She shook her head knowingly, as he spoke, and desired to motion a “Thank you”, but her lips would not form the words. His response only fuelled what she felt growing between them; not to mention the fact that the one Sunday Kevin did attend Sunday School with her, Pastor James looked as if he would fall off the pew as she and her family sat together. What she felt for him was real, and it was mutual—but it was wrong. A few Sundays later, Kelly arrived early for Sunday Church School. As she sat waiting for class to begin, Pastor James came down the aisle, and greeted her. “It’s good to see you”, he said. “Thank you, Sir”, she answered formally, careful not to look into those perceptive eyes which she knew would discern the truth. Her heart raced, even as he approached her. His eyes lit up when he looked at her, but their words dare not betray their reciprocal fondness of each other. He continued down the aisle, and took a seat in the rear of the church, perhaps to observe his Church School, or perhaps to observe Kelly; she never looked back to see. After Church School, a combination of hidden emotion, and a lack of breakfast sent Kelly in search of a candy store. She left the sanctuary, certain she would find one before the end of the church devotional period, and returned just as the Liturgical Dance group was about to give a praise. She was so intrigued, she didn’t notice Pastor James approaching. He greeted everyone in his path, but kept his eye on Kelly. As he got closer, he smiled, and laughed a nervous laugh. Reaching to embrace Kelly, he said, “Good morning, my powerful sister”. She, in first-century church fashion, embraced him back, and kissed his cheek, using her outstretched arm to shake his hand, and keep their bodies from touching. She laughed also, wondering why he felt the need to greet her twice in one morning, and exactly what his comment meant. “I have another note for you”, she said. “That will be just fine”, he said, as he walked upstairs to the balcony. Surely desire had gripped them both. She feared it, but she also enjoyed the thought of being subtlely courted, and reveled in the roughness of Pastor James’ beard, which lingered on her cheek much too long. “This is getting a little out of hand for me, God”, she whispered in her spirit, as she was ushered into the sanctuary and took what was now “her” seat. The following Sunday, to remain true to her word, she did indeed have another note for him, encouraging him to stay strong in the faith. Knowing her feelings were getting the best of her, she made certain to use the term “Mrs.” In her signature, so there would be no mistake on his part. She was married—not shacking up with a dispensable boyfriend. He gratefully acknowledged the note—publicly and anonymously. Was that an effort to keep his attraction to her innocent, or acknowledge he appreciated her appreciating him? She didn’t have the energy to try and figure it out, she only knew one thing. That had to be their last private communication. No more notes. No more innocuous embraces. No more anything. This “affair” was threatening her peace. She had previously been free enough to dance during worship, now, she was arrested in her praise by the knowledge of his eye on her, and it was embarrassing!
Chapter 3
The following weekend, Kelly took a trip to visit some college friends. “Good”, she thought. “Maybe now I can get some perspective on this mess”. Kevin could handle the children, and he knew her friends well enough that the trip would not be a problem. Her friends had even sent traveling money and an airline ticket. She excitedly packed to go, certain a few days away from Pastor James and her family would bring everything into focus. Melody, a single, size 8-at-40, commandingly attractive sister with whom she had been friends for over 20 years picked her up at the airport. They greeted each other, got into the car, and drove to Melody’s beautiful, and spacious home. They pulled up to the curved driveway, and parked on the side of the house; Kelly dared not share her living situation. She neither wanted to dampen the festive atmosphere, nor appear to be a charity case. “So Kelly, how are things in Philly?” “Well, you know; everything is good. Kevin works for the same company he’s been with for 15 years, the kids are growing real well—and they’re all beautiful, and I’m…well, I’m hanging in there.” “What do you mean? Is everything alright between you and Kevin?” Kelly hesitated. “Yes Melody. Everything is fine between Kevin and I . I just sometimes wish he…” “What?”, said Melody anxiously. “You know you can tell me. You guys are like my idols; come’ on; what’s up?” “It’s nothing Melody. Kevin is a great guy and I love him just as I always have. I’m just feeling a lot of stress right now. I really don’t want to go into it anymore than to say, If you love me, pray for me, okay? “Oh, sure”, responded Melody, feeling a little hurt that Kelly did not feel free to confide in her. “I’ll fix us some dinner, and if you like, we can do a little shopping while we have some free time” “Shopping? Girl I just want to enjoy not having to cook dinner, not having to tend to my teens, and take a long bath!” They both laughed out loud. Melody had no children, but she could empathize with a woman not having time for herself. She was quite busy as the Publicist for a Mayoral candidate of Los Angeles. They ate, watched a little TV, and while Kelly bathed, Melody put finishing touches on a promotional brochure she was working on. The stress of Kelly’s “affair”, and a measure of jetlag left her quite fatigued by 9”30 pm. She retired immediately following a totally delightful bubble bath with scented candles, smooth jazz trickling from speakers set just behind the head rest of Melody’s Jacuzzi, and a glass of Cristall. At a party the following evening, Kelly would get to surprise the roommates she had not seen in 20 some odd years. There was Randi, a beautiful, single, discerning big sister, whose smile always brightened any space she entered. She was also a sharp dresser, who needed extra body mass to contain her large heart; Mika, was a quick witted, outspoken size 24; her short-cropped hair framed her pretty face and she could take the plainest outfit and make it look tailor-made; her husband, Jay, who had a big smile, a big heart, and a word of encouragement for anyone who would listen; Elliot, a long, lean, fine, beige brother, with curly hair, and a fiery personality that blazed through his green eyes; and his wife, Camara, a warm, wise, Phd’d, fox, who had snagged Elliot when it seemed his rage would doom him to permanent bachelorhood. This would be their first time meeting, but Kelly felt close to Camara too because they had spoken on the phone several times. Kelly was so surprised! She, Randi, and Camara broke into tears and hugged. After they composed themselves, they sat down to eat and talk. Not wanting to cloud her reunion with personal troubles, Kelly didn’t bother to share the particulars of what had happened with her business; she skillfully turned every conversation into an opportunity to talk about the children, or the new career she was thinking about. Three hours later, Kelly found herself alone with Camara; everyone else was glued to the heavy-weight championship bout being televised on Melody’s Satellite system. Camara’s kind and gentle spirit made her easy to talk with; surely Kelly could entrust her with bits and pieces of her dilemma. “Camara, I’d like to share something with you”. “Okay”, said Camara, directing her full attention to Kelly. “I’ve got this situation going on. My husband and I have been going through some really stressful times, you know—finances and…” Kelly paused, took a breath, and looked away. “Uh, I walked into this church and I was sitting looking down, and when I looked up and saw the pastor, I heard my spirit say, ‘This is your next husband’. Camara listened intently. “I was shocked because I didn’t want a divorce, and I wasn’t mad at my husband. We were actually getting along rather well—except for my resentment about our finances—but even that had not made me want to leave him. Anyway, I went from feeling absolutely NOTHING for this pastor, to daydreaming about him constantly. I feel so guilty, but I haven’t done anything; what do you make of that? She then suggested Kelly write it all down. “I can’t”, Kelly protested. “What if someone finds it—then what? I can’t hurt my family like that”. “Use my name”, Camara suggested. “You’ve got to get some resolution to this, and what about all the sisters who are struggling through the same thing? I know you can’t believe you’re alone in this!” “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll send it to you in a letter. You’ll write back, won’t you?” “Of course I will! You just get to writing. Somebody’s marriage is hanging in the balance, and your story may turn the tide! This is gonna be great!” said Camara. Her enthusiasm was just what Kelly needed to drive her desire to be published.
As it began to get late, her friends, who were staying over Melody’s, began to retire, but Randi, who was closest to Kelly, was just waiting to get her alone for some “girl talk”. They mused about all the silly things Kelly had done 15 years ago and willingly forgotten. They laughed at one another’s foibles, and then the conversation turned serious. “Randi, I’m dealing with some crazy stuff; mind if I share with you?” “Not at all; what’s a sister for?” It was so wonderful to, after all these years, still have the bond they had forged. No doubt their mutual faith in Christ kept it tight, but Randi was one of only a few sisters with whom Kelly could be vulnerable. Most other women saw Kelly as a threat due to her assertive attitude, classic attire, and spirituality. She often wondered why women envied her, and kept a cool distance when she tried to be friendly; lately, it was becoming all too apparent. For the first time Kelly saw that men, desirable, prosperous, married, and single men, found her outstandingly attractive. It perplexed her, but she finally realized it was the manifestation of the Spirit of God which was so attractive! The Spirit of God brings new life; everybody likes to have something new and the enemy of our souls would like nothing better than to ruin a saints’ testimony before God has a chance to use it mightily. She had been tempted to unfaithfulness in the past, but never to the point that she contemplated how to yield and still have peace with God—until now. Kelly took a deep breath, and began to share. “Well, there’s this guy at my church. The first time I saw him, something inside of me said, ‘this is your next husband’. I couldn’t believe it, but when I look at him, there’s this connection, this familiarity—and I know it’s mutual. But Randi, I love Kevin. I don’t want a divorce; even if I did, this man wouldn’t marry me. He’s saved too! His spiritual life is what seems to be drawing me to him. It’s really tripping me out”. Randi listened closely, her expression unchanged. “Well girl, from my experience, I know what you’re saying, and I know what you’re feeling is real; we’ll call it a ‘thing’, but it’s really a “familiar “spirit. Now, what you have to do is identify where it’s coming from. I noticed that, with my son’s father, I felt that same familiarity. Those feelings led to my being in bondage to him for 14 years—and I do mean bondage. My whole life began circling around what Garvin wanted, and what Garvin was doing. I put my education, my career, my relationship with my family EVERYTHING on hold for him. I just knew he was the one for me, I mean, it just had to be; how else could I have this confidence, this assurance that he loved me? Meanwhile, Garvin had absolutely no intention of marrying me, or staying with me. He didn’t care what I did—nor did he feel any obligation to me, even after we had a son together! When I left Dallas he never even blinked; he picked up another sister before I could get out of the city!! It turned out the familiarity between Garvin and I was the spirit of a womanizer. I had seen it in my father, and because I loved Daddy, I could easily accommodate it in other men. I’ve seen this spirit over and over again—in several men who sought to date me. Now that I’ve grown spiritually, I don’t fall prey so hastily. In the past, I felt really smart when it came to men; now I know I am no match for the enemy’s attempt to thwart the plan of God for my life, and abruptly end all relationships I feel that ‘thing’ in, because I know God has more for me. I don’t have to settle for less than ‘all the man’ anymore. What you have to do Kelly is identify the source of this ‘thing’ between you and this man. Is it of God—as you hope it is—or is it the enemy, seeking to tempt you to ruin? I know you love Kevin, and your children; is the potential for a relationship with someone else worth risking what you already have? You can’t possibly care for him more than you care for your family—you don’t even know him! Before you do anything, make certain you know where this is coming from”.
Kelly was so grateful for her advice. Randi’s words caused her to think through what she felt in truth—and the truth was, there was no justifiable reason for Pastor James to risk his reputation, lose his church, or for her to risk her relationship with Kevin. Kelly thanked Randi, and kissed her goodbye before going to bed. Lying in bed, Kelly was so glad she had made the trip. She was able to gain new light on what she was feeling, but was still in the grasp of a sensual thought life, from which she desperately craved relief. She knew deep down that God really wanted her to show her He alone was sufficient to give her perfect peace, and jubilant joy—like she had never known—in the midst of every trouble. He wanted to be her all and all, and if she confidently trusted Him alone, he would supply all her needs. Would she continue to look to Him, or would she—after receiving His provision and seeing His power—now be “made perfect” through a relationship with Pastor James? It was extremely attractive to look to and lean on the arm of flesh to resolve her money and self-esteem issues, yet Kelly knew. Way down deep, she knew there was no one who could make things as she needed them to be—except God. Kelly got out her pocket bible, which she always traveled with, and began to thumb through several familiar scriptures, hoping to land on one that would meet her need. She was led to read Galatians 5:17-21, her eyes dwelling on the latter portion of verse 17. As she read, the Spirit of God began to speak directly to her situation. “Kelly”, He tenderly spoke to her spirit. “Look at your life. What has kept you from ‘Doing what you desired’, my child?” She contemplated the question as she dozed off to sleep. Her dream took her back to her childhood. She had forgotten how elaborately she daydreamed as a youth, and how, oftentimes, this led to her missing appointments, being late to school, and neglecting to develop real relationships as she wallowed in the bliss of unchallenged, unconditional fantasy love. Whenever her current reality became too painful, she returned to this coping mechanism—despite her relationship with Christ and Kevin. She had not yet come to know Him as the water that quenches every thirst; neither was she yet familiar enough with His voice to discern God’s vision for her from an illusion. Her mind’s laser scanned her past romantic relationships, and found the common thread was deception. Each of her previous suitors, prior to her husband, had convinced her their relationship would be best left shrouded—due to her age and their questionable intentions…surely she had gained more wisdom than to allow herself to be drawn into an illicit affair—hadn’t she? Christ really was all she needed—wasn’t He?
Chapter 2
Hesitantly, she looked up again. Pastor James locked eyes with her and she turned away without moving her head. He did not appeal to her physically, and she did not find his face striking; if the truth be told, he reminded her of a cartoon character. He wasn’t buff, but his demeanor drew her. She looked down again, trying to regain her focus. After communion, the choir marched in to a spirited rendition of “Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross” She joined in, careful not to sing too loudly for fear someone would hear her and suggest she join the choir. She had served on the choir in her former church, numerous committees, and regularly attended mid-week services, but for all of that, she hadn’t surrendered the secret places of her life to Christ’s lordship, nor had she learned to trust Him exclusively. Realizing this was the only way to honor God as He desired, she determined to build a relationship with Christ that would not be characterized by ardent, self-glorifying activity, but absolute faith and trust, which would follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, not the dictates of religion or the self-righteous. As the service progressed, she was overwhelmed with thanksgiving to finally find a fellowship where people just seemed happy to be in God’s service. They may have been just as empty and full of themselves as she had formerly been, but she couldn’t see it. Something about this church made her heart so grateful and filled with love for God, all she could see in the congregation was love and commitment to Jesus. Throughout the service, she graciously received each evidence of the presence of God’s Spirit. The ushers silently went about their duty with humble dignity, the choir sang under the anointing; the organist blew her mind with his timely, syncopated rhythms—as did the entire band—and the preacher? He taught and brought forth the word with power. When the service was over, she could hardly contain her joy. She approached the front of the church dazed, as if being pulled by an unseen force. When Pastor James reached out to shake her hand, she snapped back to reality, and demurely smiled. She looked into his eyes and there it was, that uncomfortable familiarity which made her feel like a schoolgirl of, perhaps twelve, in the presence of that little boy she was dying to meet. This time it was his eyes that quickly darted away. She gave her name to the church clerk, and returned to her seat. After the benediction, she hastily went out, baffled by what she felt blooming in her heart. She did not want it, nor did she understand it. “Lord, I love you, and you only”, she affirmed. “ It’s not right to feel these feelings for this man. I don’t even know him—he could be a serial killer in disguise! I have a husband, whom I love dearly; how can I hurt him like this?”
All during that week, she woke up with Pastor James on her mind. She went to bed with him on her mind. She thought about him intermittently throughout the day. “This is crazy”, she thought, as she now sat on the side of her and Kevin’s bed. “I’ve got to snap out of this”. She got up and prepared Kevin a cup of coffee. “I’ll be late tonight, baby. I’ve got to pick up Aharah from school, and I promised her we’d go window shopping at the mall”. “Okay. What about Antwon’s coat?” “I’ll pick it up from the cleaners on our way home. Love you”. His soft, full lips cuddled hers. She held on, wanting more, but he dare not demonstrate the love in his heart where the children could see them; they had a good life, in spite of their current trouble. Kevin was helpful around the house, and a wonderful father to their children. Sure, she would love for him to be more romantic, but that lack was not a motive for separation. This daydreaming about Pastor James was escalating—she envisioned them married, with twin boys and serving together in ministry! Kevin had conveniently died of a heart attack; her children were all in college—which was only about five years away—not living at home, and she had begun the career of her dreams: writing and traveling 20 weekends a year, promoting her best-selling books. This of course resulted in regular joy-filled reunions, misunderstandings and disappointments to be sure, but always ending with her in Pastor’s arms, smiling. Kelly could not shake these feelings, no matter how much she read her bible, prayed about it, or attempted to ignore them.
Another Sunday came. She again dressed modestly and went to church, arriving in time for Sunday Church School. Pastor James announced he was thinking about having a 7:30 AM—rather than an 11:00 AM service. It was turning out to be a hot summer, attendance was down, and perhaps more parishioners would attend Church School if there were only an early service to attend. “What?” Kelly thought. “I’ll never make it on time to a 7:30 AM service! I haven’t enjoyed a worship service like this in months! I hope he’s not serious!” She innocently, and without duplicity, wrote him a note, explaining her concern—not only for the unsaved, but also for those who, like her, were growing in their relationship with God, and needed to feel His presence in the context of a body of believers. Knowing her attraction to him, she hesitated to put the note in his hand. Besides, he was a feisty one; she had witnessed his quick humor, and sarcastic responses to those who questioned his decisions publicly. Not wanting to be shouted out, she was careful to include he need not respond to her request, but she hoped he would at least think about it. She solicited the help of an Associate Pastor in getting the note to Pastor James, but was invited to knock on the office door herself. “Are you sure it will be alright?” she queried. “Sure”, came the Associate’s response. “Pastor is right there; he won’t mind.” She nervously considered how she would react to a private moment with him, turned around, and slowly approached the door. She knocked, ever so lightly, and he tenderly answered, “Yes?” “Hi Pastor!” She greeted him with genuine affection as she opened the door. “Hi” he responded, unemotionally, and unable to see her. “How are you?” she said, feeling out his mood. “I’m fine”, he said, sounding somewhat agitated now, as though he wanted whomever was at his door to make their request known, so he could resume whatever he was doing. Kelly peeked inside of his office, then behind the door, and saw him sitting at his desk, fully robed with his bible open. He smiled that charming, schoolboy smile. She smiled back. “This—placing the note in his hand—is for you” she said, and stepped back to leave. “Thank you”, he said, obviously pleased.
Morning worship would begin shortly. She went into the ladies’ room, which had a lounge area and looked in the mirror. She checked her hair, and clothing. Her hair was neatly in place, in a casual style. She had on a pink business length suit, pink sandals, modest jewelry, and no stockings. She washed her hands, and went into the sanctuary, sitting again in an obscure seat in the back, from which she hoped her view of the pulpit would be blocked. Near the end of service, Pastor James announced that church would continue as it always had, and the time of service would not be changed. He had responded, without insulting her, and without making her note public. “Whew”, she sighed. She shook her head knowingly, as he spoke, and desired to motion a “Thank you”, but her lips would not form the words. His response only fuelled what she felt growing between them; not to mention the fact that the one Sunday Kevin did attend Sunday School with her, Pastor James looked as if he would fall off the pew as she and her family sat together. What she felt for him was real, and it was mutual—but it was wrong. A few Sundays later, Kelly arrived early for Sunday Church School. As she sat waiting for class to begin, Pastor James came down the aisle, and greeted her. “It’s good to see you”, he said. “Thank you, Sir”, she answered formally, careful not to look into those perceptive eyes which she knew would discern the truth. Her heart raced, even as he approached her. His eyes lit up when he looked at her, but their words dare not betray their reciprocal fondness of each other. He continued down the aisle, and took a seat in the rear of the church, perhaps to observe his Church School, or perhaps to observe Kelly; she never looked back to see. After Church School, a combination of hidden emotion, and a lack of breakfast sent Kelly in search of a candy store. She left the sanctuary, certain she would find one before the end of the church devotional period, and returned just as the Liturgical Dance group was about to give a praise. She was so intrigued, she didn’t notice Pastor James approaching. He greeted everyone in his path, but kept his eye on Kelly. As he got closer, he smiled, and laughed a nervous laugh. Reaching to embrace Kelly, he said, “Good morning, my powerful sister”. She, in first-century church fashion, embraced him back, and kissed his cheek, using her outstretched arm to shake his hand, and keep their bodies from touching. She laughed also, wondering why he felt the need to greet her twice in one morning, and exactly what his comment meant. “I have another note for you”, she said. “That will be just fine”, he said, as he walked upstairs to the balcony. Surely desire had gripped them both. She feared it, but she also enjoyed the thought of being subtlely courted, and reveled in the roughness of Pastor James’ beard, which lingered on her cheek much too long. “This is getting a little out of hand for me, God”, she whispered in her spirit, as she was ushered into the sanctuary and took what was now “her” seat. The following Sunday, to remain true to her word, she did indeed have another note for him, encouraging him to stay strong in the faith. Knowing her feelings were getting the best of her, she made certain to use the term “Mrs.” In her signature, so there would be no mistake on his part. She was married—not shacking up with a dispensable boyfriend. He gratefully acknowledged the note—publicly and anonymously. Was that an effort to keep his attraction to her innocent, or acknowledge he appreciated her appreciating him? She didn’t have the energy to try and figure it out, she only knew one thing. That had to be their last private communication. No more notes. No more innocuous embraces. No more anything. This “affair” was threatening her peace. She had previously been free enough to dance during worship, now, she was arrested in her praise by the knowledge of his eye on her, and it was embarrassing!
Chapter 3
The following weekend, Kelly took a trip to visit some college friends. “Good”, she thought. “Maybe now I can get some perspective on this mess”. Kevin could handle the children, and he knew her friends well enough that the trip would not be a problem. Her friends had even sent traveling money and an airline ticket. She excitedly packed to go, certain a few days away from Pastor James and her family would bring everything into focus. Melody, a single, size 8-at-40, commandingly attractive sister with whom she had been friends for over 20 years picked her up at the airport. They greeted each other, got into the car, and drove to Melody’s beautiful, and spacious home. They pulled up to the curved driveway, and parked on the side of the house; Kelly dared not share her living situation. She neither wanted to dampen the festive atmosphere, nor appear to be a charity case. “So Kelly, how are things in Philly?” “Well, you know; everything is good. Kevin works for the same company he’s been with for 15 years, the kids are growing real well—and they’re all beautiful, and I’m…well, I’m hanging in there.” “What do you mean? Is everything alright between you and Kevin?” Kelly hesitated. “Yes Melody. Everything is fine between Kevin and I . I just sometimes wish he…” “What?”, said Melody anxiously. “You know you can tell me. You guys are like my idols; come’ on; what’s up?” “It’s nothing Melody. Kevin is a great guy and I love him just as I always have. I’m just feeling a lot of stress right now. I really don’t want to go into it anymore than to say, If you love me, pray for me, okay? “Oh, sure”, responded Melody, feeling a little hurt that Kelly did not feel free to confide in her. “I’ll fix us some dinner, and if you like, we can do a little shopping while we have some free time” “Shopping? Girl I just want to enjoy not having to cook dinner, not having to tend to my teens, and take a long bath!” They both laughed out loud. Melody had no children, but she could empathize with a woman not having time for herself. She was quite busy as the Publicist for a Mayoral candidate of Los Angeles. They ate, watched a little TV, and while Kelly bathed, Melody put finishing touches on a promotional brochure she was working on. The stress of Kelly’s “affair”, and a measure of jetlag left her quite fatigued by 9”30 pm. She retired immediately following a totally delightful bubble bath with scented candles, smooth jazz trickling from speakers set just behind the head rest of Melody’s Jacuzzi, and a glass of Cristall. At a party the following evening, Kelly would get to surprise the roommates she had not seen in 20 some odd years. There was Randi, a beautiful, single, discerning big sister, whose smile always brightened any space she entered. She was also a sharp dresser, who needed extra body mass to contain her large heart; Mika, was a quick witted, outspoken size 24; her short-cropped hair framed her pretty face and she could take the plainest outfit and make it look tailor-made; her husband, Jay, who had a big smile, a big heart, and a word of encouragement for anyone who would listen; Elliot, a long, lean, fine, beige brother, with curly hair, and a fiery personality that blazed through his green eyes; and his wife, Camara, a warm, wise, Phd’d, fox, who had snagged Elliot when it seemed his rage would doom him to permanent bachelorhood. This would be their first time meeting, but Kelly felt close to Camara too because they had spoken on the phone several times. Kelly was so surprised! She, Randi, and Camara broke into tears and hugged. After they composed themselves, they sat down to eat and talk. Not wanting to cloud her reunion with personal troubles, Kelly didn’t bother to share the particulars of what had happened with her business; she skillfully turned every conversation into an opportunity to talk about the children, or the new career she was thinking about. Three hours later, Kelly found herself alone with Camara; everyone else was glued to the heavy-weight championship bout being televised on Melody’s Satellite system. Camara’s kind and gentle spirit made her easy to talk with; surely Kelly could entrust her with bits and pieces of her dilemma. “Camara, I’d like to share something with you”. “Okay”, said Camara, directing her full attention to Kelly. “I’ve got this situation going on. My husband and I have been going through some really stressful times, you know—finances and…” Kelly paused, took a breath, and looked away. “Uh, I walked into this church and I was sitting looking down, and when I looked up and saw the pastor, I heard my spirit say, ‘This is your next husband’. Camara listened intently. “I was shocked because I didn’t want a divorce, and I wasn’t mad at my husband. We were actually getting along rather well—except for my resentment about our finances—but even that had not made me want to leave him. Anyway, I went from feeling absolutely NOTHING for this pastor, to daydreaming about him constantly. I feel so guilty, but I haven’t done anything; what do you make of that? She then suggested Kelly write it all down. “I can’t”, Kelly protested. “What if someone finds it—then what? I can’t hurt my family like that”. “Use my name”, Camara suggested. “You’ve got to get some resolution to this, and what about all the sisters who are struggling through the same thing? I know you can’t believe you’re alone in this!” “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll send it to you in a letter. You’ll write back, won’t you?” “Of course I will! You just get to writing. Somebody’s marriage is hanging in the balance, and your story may turn the tide! This is gonna be great!” said Camara. Her enthusiasm was just what Kelly needed to drive her desire to be published.
As it began to get late, her friends, who were staying over Melody’s, began to retire, but Randi, who was closest to Kelly, was just waiting to get her alone for some “girl talk”. They mused about all the silly things Kelly had done 15 years ago and willingly forgotten. They laughed at one another’s foibles, and then the conversation turned serious. “Randi, I’m dealing with some crazy stuff; mind if I share with you?” “Not at all; what’s a sister for?” It was so wonderful to, after all these years, still have the bond they had forged. No doubt their mutual faith in Christ kept it tight, but Randi was one of only a few sisters with whom Kelly could be vulnerable. Most other women saw Kelly as a threat due to her assertive attitude, classic attire, and spirituality. She often wondered why women envied her, and kept a cool distance when she tried to be friendly; lately, it was becoming all too apparent. For the first time Kelly saw that men, desirable, prosperous, married, and single men, found her outstandingly attractive. It perplexed her, but she finally realized it was the manifestation of the Spirit of God which was so attractive! The Spirit of God brings new life; everybody likes to have something new and the enemy of our souls would like nothing better than to ruin a saints’ testimony before God has a chance to use it mightily. She had been tempted to unfaithfulness in the past, but never to the point that she contemplated how to yield and still have peace with God—until now. Kelly took a deep breath, and began to share. “Well, there’s this guy at my church. The first time I saw him, something inside of me said, ‘this is your next husband’. I couldn’t believe it, but when I look at him, there’s this connection, this familiarity—and I know it’s mutual. But Randi, I love Kevin. I don’t want a divorce; even if I did, this man wouldn’t marry me. He’s saved too! His spiritual life is what seems to be drawing me to him. It’s really tripping me out”. Randi listened closely, her expression unchanged. “Well girl, from my experience, I know what you’re saying, and I know what you’re feeling is real; we’ll call it a ‘thing’, but it’s really a “familiar “spirit. Now, what you have to do is identify where it’s coming from. I noticed that, with my son’s father, I felt that same familiarity. Those feelings led to my being in bondage to him for 14 years—and I do mean bondage. My whole life began circling around what Garvin wanted, and what Garvin was doing. I put my education, my career, my relationship with my family EVERYTHING on hold for him. I just knew he was the one for me, I mean, it just had to be; how else could I have this confidence, this assurance that he loved me? Meanwhile, Garvin had absolutely no intention of marrying me, or staying with me. He didn’t care what I did—nor did he feel any obligation to me, even after we had a son together! When I left Dallas he never even blinked; he picked up another sister before I could get out of the city!! It turned out the familiarity between Garvin and I was the spirit of a womanizer. I had seen it in my father, and because I loved Daddy, I could easily accommodate it in other men. I’ve seen this spirit over and over again—in several men who sought to date me. Now that I’ve grown spiritually, I don’t fall prey so hastily. In the past, I felt really smart when it came to men; now I know I am no match for the enemy’s attempt to thwart the plan of God for my life, and abruptly end all relationships I feel that ‘thing’ in, because I know God has more for me. I don’t have to settle for less than ‘all the man’ anymore. What you have to do Kelly is identify the source of this ‘thing’ between you and this man. Is it of God—as you hope it is—or is it the enemy, seeking to tempt you to ruin? I know you love Kevin, and your children; is the potential for a relationship with someone else worth risking what you already have? You can’t possibly care for him more than you care for your family—you don’t even know him! Before you do anything, make certain you know where this is coming from”.
Kelly was so grateful for her advice. Randi’s words caused her to think through what she felt in truth—and the truth was, there was no justifiable reason for Pastor James to risk his reputation, lose his church, or for her to risk her relationship with Kevin. Kelly thanked Randi, and kissed her goodbye before going to bed. Lying in bed, Kelly was so glad she had made the trip. She was able to gain new light on what she was feeling, but was still in the grasp of a sensual thought life, from which she desperately craved relief. She knew deep down that God really wanted her to show her He alone was sufficient to give her perfect peace, and jubilant joy—like she had never known—in the midst of every trouble. He wanted to be her all and all, and if she confidently trusted Him alone, he would supply all her needs. Would she continue to look to Him, or would she—after receiving His provision and seeing His power—now be “made perfect” through a relationship with Pastor James? It was extremely attractive to look to and lean on the arm of flesh to resolve her money and self-esteem issues, yet Kelly knew. Way down deep, she knew there was no one who could make things as she needed them to be—except God. Kelly got out her pocket bible, which she always traveled with, and began to thumb through several familiar scriptures, hoping to land on one that would meet her need. She was led to read Galatians 5:17-21, her eyes dwelling on the latter portion of verse 17. As she read, the Spirit of God began to speak directly to her situation. “Kelly”, He tenderly spoke to her spirit. “Look at your life. What has kept you from ‘Doing what you desired’, my child?” She contemplated the question as she dozed off to sleep. Her dream took her back to her childhood. She had forgotten how elaborately she daydreamed as a youth, and how, oftentimes, this led to her missing appointments, being late to school, and neglecting to develop real relationships as she wallowed in the bliss of unchallenged, unconditional fantasy love. Whenever her current reality became too painful, she returned to this coping mechanism—despite her relationship with Christ and Kevin. She had not yet come to know Him as the water that quenches every thirst; neither was she yet familiar enough with His voice to discern God’s vision for her from an illusion. Her mind’s laser scanned her past romantic relationships, and found the common thread was deception. Each of her previous suitors, prior to her husband, had convinced her their relationship would be best left shrouded—due to her age and their questionable intentions…surely she had gained more wisdom than to allow herself to be drawn into an illicit affair—hadn’t she? Christ really was all she needed—wasn’t He?
Friday, March 26, 2010
God's Mind, Chapter One
Well, here it is! This novella, based on true events, was completed in 2008. I hope you enjoy reading it, and please feel free to critique and ask questions. Now, hear the story of Kelly and Kevin, in God's Mind.
Kelly sat on the side of her bed and held her head in her hands. What was wrong with her? She had a faithful husband with whom she shared 20 years of love, laughter, and passionate intimacy; four respectful, academically accomplished children, her health and strength, and she was beautiful. Why would she risk what she could now rest in for the possibility of a relationship with him? Not that he wasn’t desirable—he was. Tall, handsome, and maturely built, he had a brilliant smile and eyes that seemed to sparkle with love and admiration when he looked at her. He was accomplished, respected, and available.
Perhaps it was their current circumstance. Kelly and Kevin had reached a standstill in their climb to financial security—actually, it was more like their finances had turned belly up. After obtaining five residential buildings, a consulting firm, a gorgeous home, and the ability to vacation regularly, they lost it ALL. When their businesses fell through, they each had to accept employment for less that they were worth, and their combined salaries didn’t leave much for recreation—let alone acquisition. Through the courtesy of a friend, they were residing in a three-room flat with a full bath, and were barely affording that. One decision—which hadn’t seemed consequential—had sent their life into a downward spiral . Kelly felt powerless, hopeless, and unable to get back on track. Kevin never talked about how he felt. No matter what, he continued doing as he always had. He got up at six AM, drank a cup of coffee, left for work by 7 AM—although now in someone else’s employ—came home, read the paper, watched TV, and went to bed by midnight. He never discussed their future with Kelly anymore. If he had a plan to turn this situation around he wasn’t sharing it, and she didn’t have a clue.
She had been, at least in her understanding, a devout Christian. Kevin assented to those same beliefs, but didn’t seem interested in growing in faith. In her stronger moments this frustrated her, but since he never attempted to deter her growth, she never felt it would be a problem—but it was. After moving from their spacious, 7-bedroom brownstone, with the three bathrooms and 2 offices, she hadn’t even thought of attending a church. Her faith had been violently shaken by this trouble; how could it even have happened? She had been faithful in service and giving, yet her former church had broken her heart, rejected her ministry, and treated her contemptuously in her greatest hour of need. She was weary of it all, yet she knew God was doing a work in her spirit. Somehow, she began to see God as the one person she could not do without. Her communion with Him was now more intimate, and He assured her she would come out of this situation better than when she entered it, with a new career—but without her husband. This frightened her, but she accepted it as for Kevin’s good, and God’s glory. Kevin needed to know God in a more personal way, and so did his family. They all spoke words that suggested they knew God, but their lives spoke otherwise. Kevin also needed to know that Jesus—not Kelly—was all he really needed, that God had a specific plan for his life, and that plan was designed to show God’s glory through him. Kelly had no desire to be with anyone else, and wondered how her passions would remain pure without a mate, but kept these thoughts in the recesses of her mind. No matter what God said, Kelly had already decided she would not leave Kevin. What kind of testimony would that be? Was God a respecter of persons—bringing her out of a trial whole, and Kevin in pieces? She knew this wasn’t true. Perhaps it was just her mind’s way of reconciling all the pain, hurt and confusion she was experiencing, but she couldn’t shake the thought that, at the end of this test, she and Kevin would not be together.
About a week ago, she was walking by a local church. From outside, she could hear the worship service, and wanted to go inside, but had prior commitment. She glanced the name on the marquee, Pastor: Janderson James. Janderson? That was the name of her fantasy husband during her childhood! She shrugged it off as coincidence, and walked on to the bus stop. The following Sunday morning, she dressed modestly, put on her nose and toe rings, and walked the three blocks to the Mount Holiness Tabernacle. The church was oddly built, with two entry-ways, both in the front of the building. Noticing two brothers standing near one of the doors, she opted to enter it. When she opened the door, she immediately felt she had made a mistake. Through this entrance, she found herself in front of the congregation, and she stood out as a visitor, an attractive, sensuously provocative visitor, even though she had on a simple sundress, a short-sleeved jacked, and sandals, which revealed her polished toes. “Uh-oh”, she thought, as she nervously sought a seat which would not reveal her anxiety. She found one in the back of the church and sat on an empty pew, placed her bible in her lap and looked down.
The music from the organ seeped into her ears and engulfed her heart. Her emotions were in knots. She was heartbroken, yet she had joy. She was terrified of how her situation might turn out, yet she had a peace even she didn’t understand. Her faith had increased, and she felt God’s love and special care in the midst of her trial, yet she often felt depressed about her living arrangements and how they would affect her children, who were attending Middle and High School. Moist tears welled up in her eyes, and swirled down her cheek. It didn’t matter. No one knew her—perhaps no one saw her. She continued to look down as she dabbed her eyes with a soft, white handkerchief. It was Communion Sunday, and three children were to be baptized. Her heart pounded as she considered God’s sacrifice of His own son to purchase her salvation, and the tears continued to flow. Pastor James strode onto the pulpit and into the pool. As he prayed, and while her head was still bowed, a thought whispered in her ear: “This is your next husband”. She looked up. “Next husband? (she thought, so loudly she feared someone had heard it) What’s wrong with my first one?” She hurriedly brushed the thought and fresh tears aside, perplexed it had even come to mind. She was hurt and sometimes angry about the turn her life had taken, but never in her wildest dreams had she thought about leaving, or divorcing her husband; infidelity was neither her besetting sin, nor her sin of choice. Kevin had been good to her. They were deeply in love, and prior to this strange turn of events, he’d been an excellent partner and provider—why should she leave him now? (To be continued tomorrow...)
Kelly sat on the side of her bed and held her head in her hands. What was wrong with her? She had a faithful husband with whom she shared 20 years of love, laughter, and passionate intimacy; four respectful, academically accomplished children, her health and strength, and she was beautiful. Why would she risk what she could now rest in for the possibility of a relationship with him? Not that he wasn’t desirable—he was. Tall, handsome, and maturely built, he had a brilliant smile and eyes that seemed to sparkle with love and admiration when he looked at her. He was accomplished, respected, and available.
Perhaps it was their current circumstance. Kelly and Kevin had reached a standstill in their climb to financial security—actually, it was more like their finances had turned belly up. After obtaining five residential buildings, a consulting firm, a gorgeous home, and the ability to vacation regularly, they lost it ALL. When their businesses fell through, they each had to accept employment for less that they were worth, and their combined salaries didn’t leave much for recreation—let alone acquisition. Through the courtesy of a friend, they were residing in a three-room flat with a full bath, and were barely affording that. One decision—which hadn’t seemed consequential—had sent their life into a downward spiral . Kelly felt powerless, hopeless, and unable to get back on track. Kevin never talked about how he felt. No matter what, he continued doing as he always had. He got up at six AM, drank a cup of coffee, left for work by 7 AM—although now in someone else’s employ—came home, read the paper, watched TV, and went to bed by midnight. He never discussed their future with Kelly anymore. If he had a plan to turn this situation around he wasn’t sharing it, and she didn’t have a clue.
She had been, at least in her understanding, a devout Christian. Kevin assented to those same beliefs, but didn’t seem interested in growing in faith. In her stronger moments this frustrated her, but since he never attempted to deter her growth, she never felt it would be a problem—but it was. After moving from their spacious, 7-bedroom brownstone, with the three bathrooms and 2 offices, she hadn’t even thought of attending a church. Her faith had been violently shaken by this trouble; how could it even have happened? She had been faithful in service and giving, yet her former church had broken her heart, rejected her ministry, and treated her contemptuously in her greatest hour of need. She was weary of it all, yet she knew God was doing a work in her spirit. Somehow, she began to see God as the one person she could not do without. Her communion with Him was now more intimate, and He assured her she would come out of this situation better than when she entered it, with a new career—but without her husband. This frightened her, but she accepted it as for Kevin’s good, and God’s glory. Kevin needed to know God in a more personal way, and so did his family. They all spoke words that suggested they knew God, but their lives spoke otherwise. Kevin also needed to know that Jesus—not Kelly—was all he really needed, that God had a specific plan for his life, and that plan was designed to show God’s glory through him. Kelly had no desire to be with anyone else, and wondered how her passions would remain pure without a mate, but kept these thoughts in the recesses of her mind. No matter what God said, Kelly had already decided she would not leave Kevin. What kind of testimony would that be? Was God a respecter of persons—bringing her out of a trial whole, and Kevin in pieces? She knew this wasn’t true. Perhaps it was just her mind’s way of reconciling all the pain, hurt and confusion she was experiencing, but she couldn’t shake the thought that, at the end of this test, she and Kevin would not be together.
About a week ago, she was walking by a local church. From outside, she could hear the worship service, and wanted to go inside, but had prior commitment. She glanced the name on the marquee, Pastor: Janderson James. Janderson? That was the name of her fantasy husband during her childhood! She shrugged it off as coincidence, and walked on to the bus stop. The following Sunday morning, she dressed modestly, put on her nose and toe rings, and walked the three blocks to the Mount Holiness Tabernacle. The church was oddly built, with two entry-ways, both in the front of the building. Noticing two brothers standing near one of the doors, she opted to enter it. When she opened the door, she immediately felt she had made a mistake. Through this entrance, she found herself in front of the congregation, and she stood out as a visitor, an attractive, sensuously provocative visitor, even though she had on a simple sundress, a short-sleeved jacked, and sandals, which revealed her polished toes. “Uh-oh”, she thought, as she nervously sought a seat which would not reveal her anxiety. She found one in the back of the church and sat on an empty pew, placed her bible in her lap and looked down.
The music from the organ seeped into her ears and engulfed her heart. Her emotions were in knots. She was heartbroken, yet she had joy. She was terrified of how her situation might turn out, yet she had a peace even she didn’t understand. Her faith had increased, and she felt God’s love and special care in the midst of her trial, yet she often felt depressed about her living arrangements and how they would affect her children, who were attending Middle and High School. Moist tears welled up in her eyes, and swirled down her cheek. It didn’t matter. No one knew her—perhaps no one saw her. She continued to look down as she dabbed her eyes with a soft, white handkerchief. It was Communion Sunday, and three children were to be baptized. Her heart pounded as she considered God’s sacrifice of His own son to purchase her salvation, and the tears continued to flow. Pastor James strode onto the pulpit and into the pool. As he prayed, and while her head was still bowed, a thought whispered in her ear: “This is your next husband”. She looked up. “Next husband? (she thought, so loudly she feared someone had heard it) What’s wrong with my first one?” She hurriedly brushed the thought and fresh tears aside, perplexed it had even come to mind. She was hurt and sometimes angry about the turn her life had taken, but never in her wildest dreams had she thought about leaving, or divorcing her husband; infidelity was neither her besetting sin, nor her sin of choice. Kevin had been good to her. They were deeply in love, and prior to this strange turn of events, he’d been an excellent partner and provider—why should she leave him now? (To be continued tomorrow...)
Thursday, March 25, 2010
So, What Now?
Hope you had a chance to see Pastor Prince in action. If you have ears to receive what he is saying he's on TBN, DSTR, FAM, and TCT. Check out your local tv guide for times. So now, I'll be sharing some of the articles and excerpts from the books I'm writing, in addition to sharing information about what it means to be under the new covenant--the covenant of grace. Its a great way to be published without a publisher, and give people an opportunity to hear what I have to say. Hope you'll stay tuned and let me know what you think! My first story, entitled God's Mind is about a couple who have enjoyed a good life, but then lose it all. What do you do when your dreams are shattered in pieces around your feet? Get God's solution...you can read the first chapter tomorrow! Whil you're waiting, here are some photos of my baby, Amari. He's seven now. Enjoy!
Monday, March 22, 2010
Background Notes
I suppose I need to explain why getting a grip on grace is having such an impact on my life. As many of you know, I've been in church all my life. I've served in different capacities, contributed time, talent, and treasure to the work of the church, and thought I was pleasing God with my service...but I was always angry. When I messed up, I couldn't understand why. I read my bible, prayed, and attended church regularly, but somehow, the "abundant life spoken of in scripture was not mine. This left me searching for a richer Christian experience. Then , when tragedy came and my life started spinning out of control, I needed more than the cliches, friendships, and bible verses I knew. Lets face it, when life doesn't make sense and you think God is not changing your circumstances on purpose, you can get a little pissed! I needed to know God to be the God that could take me from (what I considered) fruitful service to no fellowship; from poverty and lack to homelessness--and back; from having grown children to becoming a "new" mother @ 44--and make all that make sense...well, that didn't happen right way, but as I slowly released my ideas of what my life should have been, and accepted that maybe--just maybe, God might have a better plan (duh), grace, God's riches at Christ expense, began to unfold in my life. I began to see possibilities, opportunities, purpose, and I learned God operates according to principles--not capriciously. I learned that his love was specifically toward ME, that He had a plan just for ME, and that He wants an intimate, personal, cozy relationship with me, me, ME! I have several ministers to thank for helping me see this revelation, but none more than the gentle young man who identified himself as a "stutterer" (in his formative years), Pastor Joseph Prince. check out his video here:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEgNqDcMXYE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qEgNqDcMXYE
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Unearned, Unmerited and Undeserved
We've all heard about the "grace of God", and how grace is His "unmerited favor", but what does that mean--I mean , how does this make a difference in MY life? Well, grace is favor, which is defined by Webster as " friendly regard shown toward another especially by a superior; a special privilege or right granted or conceded". What Webster does not explain is:
1) God's favor is unearned. Nobody can work hard enough to get it.
2) God's favor is unmerited. Nobody can be good enough to get it.
3) God's favor is undeserved. Nobody has a right to it.
So, who can get it? Only those who admit they have need of it.
This Is BETTER Than Money!
Hey y'all!
Hope this Sunday morning finds you with a place to worship at--in Spirit and truth (more about that later). The thing I want to share with you is something that is changing my life—right before my own eyes. You surely have heard the word, but do you understand what it means? I'm talking about the word "grace".
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Where did the time GO?
This blog spot is dedicated to the (now) young adults I worked with at Rush; you guys and dolls have all grown up, and I'm still young (as you can see from this picture, taken 2 years ago--I'll post a more recent one when I get my hair done next week!) smile! I love and miss you, and since most of you are on Facebook and/or Twitter, I thought we could share some real communication--since I can respond to you privately. I want to share with you the most wonderful thing I have discovered since leaving NY, and how it is impacting everything I do...no, its not get-rich, but it will lead to vast wealth. I'll share what it is in my next post, as well as explain the title of my blog. Oh yeah, if you weren't a part of our Writer's Group, you're still welcome to comment. What I have to offer is life-changing for EVERYBODY! Chat soon,
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