God's Mind, Chapter 2

Sorry you Guys and Dolls! Are you intrigued? Wondering what will happen with Kelly next? For being patient, I'm sharing chapter 3 as a bonus! Read now the continuing story of Kelly and Kevin, and enjoy!!

Chapter 2
Hesitantly, she looked up again. Pastor James locked eyes with her and she turned away without moving her head. He did not appeal to her physically, and she did not find his face striking; if the truth be told, he reminded her of a cartoon character. He wasn’t buff, but his demeanor drew her. She looked down again, trying to regain her focus. After communion, the choir marched in to a spirited rendition of “Jesus Keep Me Near The Cross” She joined in, careful not to sing too loudly for fear someone would hear her and suggest she join the choir. She had served on the choir in her former church, numerous committees, and regularly attended mid-week services, but for all of that, she hadn’t surrendered the secret places of her life to Christ’s lordship, nor had she learned to trust Him exclusively. Realizing this was the only way to honor God as He desired, she determined to build a relationship with Christ that would not be characterized by ardent, self-glorifying activity, but absolute faith and trust, which would follow the leading of the Holy Spirit, not the dictates of religion or the self-righteous. As the service progressed, she was overwhelmed with thanksgiving to finally find a fellowship where people just seemed happy to be in God’s service. They may have been just as empty and full of themselves as she had formerly been, but she couldn’t see it. Something about this church made her heart so grateful and filled with love for God, all she could see in the congregation was love and commitment to Jesus. Throughout the service, she graciously received each evidence of the presence of God’s Spirit. The ushers silently went about their duty with humble dignity, the choir sang under the anointing; the organist blew her mind with his timely, syncopated rhythms—as did the entire band—and the preacher? He taught and brought forth the word with power. When the service was over, she could hardly contain her joy. She approached the front of the church dazed, as if being pulled by an unseen force. When Pastor James reached out to shake her hand, she snapped back to reality, and demurely smiled. She looked into his eyes and there it was, that uncomfortable familiarity which made her feel like a schoolgirl of, perhaps twelve, in the presence of that little boy she was dying to meet. This time it was his eyes that quickly darted away. She gave her name to the church clerk, and returned to her seat. After the benediction, she hastily went out, baffled by what she felt blooming in her heart. She did not want it, nor did she understand it. “Lord, I love you, and you only”, she affirmed. “ It’s not right to feel these feelings for this man. I don’t even know him—he could be a serial killer in disguise! I have a husband, whom I love dearly; how can I hurt him like this?”

All during that week, she woke up with Pastor James on her mind. She went to bed with him on her mind. She thought about him intermittently throughout the day. “This is crazy”, she thought, as she now sat on the side of her and Kevin’s bed. “I’ve got to snap out of this”. She got up and prepared Kevin a cup of coffee. “I’ll be late tonight, baby. I’ve got to pick up Aharah from school, and I promised her we’d go window shopping at the mall”. “Okay. What about Antwon’s coat?” “I’ll pick it up from the cleaners on our way home. Love you”. His soft, full lips cuddled hers. She held on, wanting more, but he dare not demonstrate the love in his heart where the children could see them; they had a good life, in spite of their current trouble. Kevin was helpful around the house, and a wonderful father to their children. Sure, she would love for him to be more romantic, but that lack was not a motive for separation. This daydreaming about Pastor James was escalating—she envisioned them married, with twin boys and serving together in ministry! Kevin had conveniently died of a heart attack; her children were all in college—which was only about five years away—not living at home, and she had begun the career of her dreams: writing and traveling 20 weekends a year, promoting her best-selling books. This of course resulted in regular joy-filled reunions, misunderstandings and disappointments to be sure, but always ending with her in Pastor’s arms, smiling. Kelly could not shake these feelings, no matter how much she read her bible, prayed about it, or attempted to ignore them.

Another Sunday came. She again dressed modestly and went to church, arriving in time for Sunday Church School. Pastor James announced he was thinking about having a 7:30 AM—rather than an 11:00 AM service. It was turning out to be a hot summer, attendance was down, and perhaps more parishioners would attend Church School if there were only an early service to attend. “What?” Kelly thought. “I’ll never make it on time to a 7:30 AM service! I haven’t enjoyed a worship service like this in months! I hope he’s not serious!” She innocently, and without duplicity, wrote him a note, explaining her concern—not only for the unsaved, but also for those who, like her, were growing in their relationship with God, and needed to feel His presence in the context of a body of believers. Knowing her attraction to him, she hesitated to put the note in his hand. Besides, he was a feisty one; she had witnessed his quick humor, and sarcastic responses to those who questioned his decisions publicly. Not wanting to be shouted out, she was careful to include he need not respond to her request, but she hoped he would at least think about it. She solicited the help of an Associate Pastor in getting the note to Pastor James, but was invited to knock on the office door herself. “Are you sure it will be alright?” she queried. “Sure”, came the Associate’s response. “Pastor is right there; he won’t mind.” She nervously considered how she would react to a private moment with him, turned around, and slowly approached the door. She knocked, ever so lightly, and he tenderly answered, “Yes?” “Hi Pastor!” She greeted him with genuine affection as she opened the door. “Hi” he responded, unemotionally, and unable to see her. “How are you?” she said, feeling out his mood. “I’m fine”, he said, sounding somewhat agitated now, as though he wanted whomever was at his door to make their request known, so he could resume whatever he was doing. Kelly peeked inside of his office, then behind the door, and saw him sitting at his desk, fully robed with his bible open. He smiled that charming, schoolboy smile. She smiled back. “This—placing the note in his hand—is for you” she said, and stepped back to leave. “Thank you”, he said, obviously pleased.

Morning worship would begin shortly. She went into the ladies’ room, which had a lounge area and looked in the mirror. She checked her hair, and clothing. Her hair was neatly in place, in a casual style. She had on a pink business length suit, pink sandals, modest jewelry, and no stockings. She washed her hands, and went into the sanctuary, sitting again in an obscure seat in the back, from which she hoped her view of the pulpit would be blocked. Near the end of service, Pastor James announced that church would continue as it always had, and the time of service would not be changed. He had responded, without insulting her, and without making her note public. “Whew”, she sighed. She shook her head knowingly, as he spoke, and desired to motion a “Thank you”, but her lips would not form the words. His response only fuelled what she felt growing between them; not to mention the fact that the one Sunday Kevin did attend Sunday School with her, Pastor James looked as if he would fall off the pew as she and her family sat together. What she felt for him was real, and it was mutual—but it was wrong. A few Sundays later, Kelly arrived early for Sunday Church School. As she sat waiting for class to begin, Pastor James came down the aisle, and greeted her. “It’s good to see you”, he said. “Thank you, Sir”, she answered formally, careful not to look into those perceptive eyes which she knew would discern the truth. Her heart raced, even as he approached her. His eyes lit up when he looked at her, but their words dare not betray their reciprocal fondness of each other. He continued down the aisle, and took a seat in the rear of the church, perhaps to observe his Church School, or perhaps to observe Kelly; she never looked back to see. After Church School, a combination of hidden emotion, and a lack of breakfast sent Kelly in search of a candy store. She left the sanctuary, certain she would find one before the end of the church devotional period, and returned just as the Liturgical Dance group was about to give a praise. She was so intrigued, she didn’t notice Pastor James approaching. He greeted everyone in his path, but kept his eye on Kelly. As he got closer, he smiled, and laughed a nervous laugh. Reaching to embrace Kelly, he said, “Good morning, my powerful sister”. She, in first-century church fashion, embraced him back, and kissed his cheek, using her outstretched arm to shake his hand, and keep their bodies from touching. She laughed also, wondering why he felt the need to greet her twice in one morning, and exactly what his comment meant. “I have another note for you”, she said. “That will be just fine”, he said, as he walked upstairs to the balcony. Surely desire had gripped them both. She feared it, but she also enjoyed the thought of being subtlely courted, and reveled in the roughness of Pastor James’ beard, which lingered on her cheek much too long. “This is getting a little out of hand for me, God”, she whispered in her spirit, as she was ushered into the sanctuary and took what was now “her” seat. The following Sunday, to remain true to her word, she did indeed have another note for him, encouraging him to stay strong in the faith. Knowing her feelings were getting the best of her, she made certain to use the term “Mrs.” In her signature, so there would be no mistake on his part. She was married—not shacking up with a dispensable boyfriend. He gratefully acknowledged the note—publicly and anonymously. Was that an effort to keep his attraction to her innocent, or acknowledge he appreciated her appreciating him? She didn’t have the energy to try and figure it out, she only knew one thing. That had to be their last private communication. No more notes. No more innocuous embraces. No more anything. This “affair” was threatening her peace. She had previously been free enough to dance during worship, now, she was arrested in her praise by the knowledge of his eye on her, and it was embarrassing!

Chapter 3
The following weekend, Kelly took a trip to visit some college friends. “Good”, she thought. “Maybe now I can get some perspective on this mess”. Kevin could handle the children, and he knew her friends well enough that the trip would not be a problem. Her friends had even sent traveling money and an airline ticket. She excitedly packed to go, certain a few days away from Pastor James and her family would bring everything into focus. Melody, a single, size 8-at-40, commandingly attractive sister with whom she had been friends for over 20 years picked her up at the airport. They greeted each other, got into the car, and drove to Melody’s beautiful, and spacious home. They pulled up to the curved driveway, and parked on the side of the house; Kelly dared not share her living situation. She neither wanted to dampen the festive atmosphere, nor appear to be a charity case. “So Kelly, how are things in Philly?” “Well, you know; everything is good. Kevin works for the same company he’s been with for 15 years, the kids are growing real well—and they’re all beautiful, and I’m…well, I’m hanging in there.” “What do you mean? Is everything alright between you and Kevin?” Kelly hesitated. “Yes Melody. Everything is fine between Kevin and I . I just sometimes wish he…” “What?”, said Melody anxiously. “You know you can tell me. You guys are like my idols; come’ on; what’s up?” “It’s nothing Melody. Kevin is a great guy and I love him just as I always have. I’m just feeling a lot of stress right now. I really don’t want to go into it anymore than to say, If you love me, pray for me, okay? “Oh, sure”, responded Melody, feeling a little hurt that Kelly did not feel free to confide in her. “I’ll fix us some dinner, and if you like, we can do a little shopping while we have some free time” “Shopping? Girl I just want to enjoy not having to cook dinner, not having to tend to my teens, and take a long bath!” They both laughed out loud. Melody had no children, but she could empathize with a woman not having time for herself. She was quite busy as the Publicist for a Mayoral candidate of Los Angeles. They ate, watched a little TV, and while Kelly bathed, Melody put finishing touches on a promotional brochure she was working on. The stress of Kelly’s “affair”, and a measure of jetlag left her quite fatigued by 9”30 pm. She retired immediately following a totally delightful bubble bath with scented candles, smooth jazz trickling from speakers set just behind the head rest of Melody’s Jacuzzi, and a glass of Cristall. At a party the following evening, Kelly would get to surprise the roommates she had not seen in 20 some odd years. There was Randi, a beautiful, single, discerning big sister, whose smile always brightened any space she entered. She was also a sharp dresser, who needed extra body mass to contain her large heart; Mika, was a quick witted, outspoken size 24; her short-cropped hair framed her pretty face and she could take the plainest outfit and make it look tailor-made; her husband, Jay, who had a big smile, a big heart, and a word of encouragement for anyone who would listen; Elliot, a long, lean, fine, beige brother, with curly hair, and a fiery personality that blazed through his green eyes; and his wife, Camara, a warm, wise, Phd’d, fox, who had snagged Elliot when it seemed his rage would doom him to permanent bachelorhood. This would be their first time meeting, but Kelly felt close to Camara too because they had spoken on the phone several times. Kelly was so surprised! She, Randi, and Camara broke into tears and hugged. After they composed themselves, they sat down to eat and talk. Not wanting to cloud her reunion with personal troubles, Kelly didn’t bother to share the particulars of what had happened with her business; she skillfully turned every conversation into an opportunity to talk about the children, or the new career she was thinking about. Three hours later, Kelly found herself alone with Camara; everyone else was glued to the heavy-weight championship bout being televised on Melody’s Satellite system. Camara’s kind and gentle spirit made her easy to talk with; surely Kelly could entrust her with bits and pieces of her dilemma. “Camara, I’d like to share something with you”. “Okay”, said Camara, directing her full attention to Kelly. “I’ve got this situation going on. My husband and I have been going through some really stressful times, you know—finances and…” Kelly paused, took a breath, and looked away. “Uh, I walked into this church and I was sitting looking down, and when I looked up and saw the pastor, I heard my spirit say, ‘This is your next husband’. Camara listened intently. “I was shocked because I didn’t want a divorce, and I wasn’t mad at my husband. We were actually getting along rather well—except for my resentment about our finances—but even that had not made me want to leave him. Anyway, I went from feeling absolutely NOTHING for this pastor, to daydreaming about him constantly. I feel so guilty, but I haven’t done anything; what do you make of that? She then suggested Kelly write it all down. “I can’t”, Kelly protested. “What if someone finds it—then what? I can’t hurt my family like that”. “Use my name”, Camara suggested. “You’ve got to get some resolution to this, and what about all the sisters who are struggling through the same thing? I know you can’t believe you’re alone in this!” “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll send it to you in a letter. You’ll write back, won’t you?” “Of course I will! You just get to writing. Somebody’s marriage is hanging in the balance, and your story may turn the tide! This is gonna be great!” said Camara. Her enthusiasm was just what Kelly needed to drive her desire to be published.

As it began to get late, her friends, who were staying over Melody’s, began to retire, but Randi, who was closest to Kelly, was just waiting to get her alone for some “girl talk”. They mused about all the silly things Kelly had done 15 years ago and willingly forgotten. They laughed at one another’s foibles, and then the conversation turned serious. “Randi, I’m dealing with some crazy stuff; mind if I share with you?” “Not at all; what’s a sister for?” It was so wonderful to, after all these years, still have the bond they had forged. No doubt their mutual faith in Christ kept it tight, but Randi was one of only a few sisters with whom Kelly could be vulnerable. Most other women saw Kelly as a threat due to her assertive attitude, classic attire, and spirituality. She often wondered why women envied her, and kept a cool distance when she tried to be friendly; lately, it was becoming all too apparent. For the first time Kelly saw that men, desirable, prosperous, married, and single men, found her outstandingly attractive. It perplexed her, but she finally realized it was the manifestation of the Spirit of God which was so attractive! The Spirit of God brings new life; everybody likes to have something new and the enemy of our souls would like nothing better than to ruin a saints’ testimony before God has a chance to use it mightily. She had been tempted to unfaithfulness in the past, but never to the point that she contemplated how to yield and still have peace with God—until now. Kelly took a deep breath, and began to share. “Well, there’s this guy at my church. The first time I saw him, something inside of me said, ‘this is your next husband’. I couldn’t believe it, but when I look at him, there’s this connection, this familiarity—and I know it’s mutual. But Randi, I love Kevin. I don’t want a divorce; even if I did, this man wouldn’t marry me. He’s saved too! His spiritual life is what seems to be drawing me to him. It’s really tripping me out”. Randi listened closely, her expression unchanged. “Well girl, from my experience, I know what you’re saying, and I know what you’re feeling is real; we’ll call it a ‘thing’, but it’s really a “familiar “spirit. Now, what you have to do is identify where it’s coming from. I noticed that, with my son’s father, I felt that same familiarity. Those feelings led to my being in bondage to him for 14 years—and I do mean bondage. My whole life began circling around what Garvin wanted, and what Garvin was doing. I put my education, my career, my relationship with my family EVERYTHING on hold for him. I just knew he was the one for me, I mean, it just had to be; how else could I have this confidence, this assurance that he loved me? Meanwhile, Garvin had absolutely no intention of marrying me, or staying with me. He didn’t care what I did—nor did he feel any obligation to me, even after we had a son together! When I left Dallas he never even blinked; he picked up another sister before I could get out of the city!! It turned out the familiarity between Garvin and I was the spirit of a womanizer. I had seen it in my father, and because I loved Daddy, I could easily accommodate it in other men. I’ve seen this spirit over and over again—in several men who sought to date me. Now that I’ve grown spiritually, I don’t fall prey so hastily. In the past, I felt really smart when it came to men; now I know I am no match for the enemy’s attempt to thwart the plan of God for my life, and abruptly end all relationships I feel that ‘thing’ in, because I know God has more for me. I don’t have to settle for less than ‘all the man’ anymore. What you have to do Kelly is identify the source of this ‘thing’ between you and this man. Is it of God—as you hope it is—or is it the enemy, seeking to tempt you to ruin? I know you love Kevin, and your children; is the potential for a relationship with someone else worth risking what you already have? You can’t possibly care for him more than you care for your family—you don’t even know him! Before you do anything, make certain you know where this is coming from”.

Kelly was so grateful for her advice. Randi’s words caused her to think through what she felt in truth—and the truth was, there was no justifiable reason for Pastor James to risk his reputation, lose his church, or for her to risk her relationship with Kevin. Kelly thanked Randi, and kissed her goodbye before going to bed. Lying in bed, Kelly was so glad she had made the trip. She was able to gain new light on what she was feeling, but was still in the grasp of a sensual thought life, from which she desperately craved relief. She knew deep down that God really wanted her to show her He alone was sufficient to give her perfect peace, and jubilant joy—like she had never known—in the midst of every trouble. He wanted to be her all and all, and if she confidently trusted Him alone, he would supply all her needs. Would she continue to look to Him, or would she—after receiving His provision and seeing His power—now be “made perfect” through a relationship with Pastor James? It was extremely attractive to look to and lean on the arm of flesh to resolve her money and self-esteem issues, yet Kelly knew. Way down deep, she knew there was no one who could make things as she needed them to be—except God. Kelly got out her pocket bible, which she always traveled with, and began to thumb through several familiar scriptures, hoping to land on one that would meet her need. She was led to read Galatians 5:17-21, her eyes dwelling on the latter portion of verse 17. As she read, the Spirit of God began to speak directly to her situation. “Kelly”, He tenderly spoke to her spirit. “Look at your life. What has kept you from ‘Doing what you desired’, my child?” She contemplated the question as she dozed off to sleep. Her dream took her back to her childhood. She had forgotten how elaborately she daydreamed as a youth, and how, oftentimes, this led to her missing appointments, being late to school, and neglecting to develop real relationships as she wallowed in the bliss of unchallenged, unconditional fantasy love. Whenever her current reality became too painful, she returned to this coping mechanism—despite her relationship with Christ and Kevin. She had not yet come to know Him as the water that quenches every thirst; neither was she yet familiar enough with His voice to discern God’s vision for her from an illusion. Her mind’s laser scanned her past romantic relationships, and found the common thread was deception. Each of her previous suitors, prior to her husband, had convinced her their relationship would be best left shrouded—due to her age and their questionable intentions…surely she had gained more wisdom than to allow herself to be drawn into an illicit affair—hadn’t she? Christ really was all she needed—wasn’t He?