The Final Chapters...

Well, in spite of the precaution my friend has suggested I take, I am posting the final chapter to this novella this week. I hope you enjoyed reading this, and know that Christian women struggle too; we struggle with marital, monetary, and man issues, but God is faithful, and WILL give us victory when we stand on His word. Here is chapter 6 of God's Mind.


Chapter 6
”Mommy, it’s eight o’clock!” Startled, Kelly opened her eyes. “It’s eight o’clock”, said her daughter, Aharah. “Don’t you remember what day it is?” Kelly thought for a moment. “Sure I do, boo. It’s you High School Graduation Day—how could I forget that?” The ceremony was scheduled to start at 10:00 AM, and Kevin and Kelly hurried to get dressed. Kevin was bursting with pride, and just about in tears. Aharah, “NaNa” to her family and close friends, was the last of their four children. She was attractive, spoiled, and had gotten on the wrong track when her parents pursuit of success resulted in her being left alone, with too much money, several afternoons each week. Kelly was so hurt by her daughter’s mistakes—which were so close to her own—realizing Aharah must have felt extremely alone and unloved to so violate her own body. God had shown Himself faithful however; Kelly released her daughter to God’s loving discipline and worked through her addiction with her. The result was an “A” student, with a full scholarship to college, and a genuine love relationship with her family, and her God. Her older brothers, Azel and Antwon teased, “We will be on that campus daily!, so remember who’s the boss!” Her sister, Annette, interjected; “Yes, please do remember—God is the boss, not Azel, nor Antwon” “Yeah, but we’re the Lord’s sword bearers—and we don’t bear the sword in vain!” Quipped Antwon playfully, making sure Aharah knew she had the love, concern, and protection of both her brothers. Kelly looked at her family and just beamed. Their finances were still a wreck, with no current prospects of prosperity, but her family was growing closer, and she was learning to trust God thoroughly, particularly in difficult times. Aharah received several awards at the ceremony. Her siblings and friends cheered; her parents cried, and everyone was happy. They returned home for a simple celebration with ice cream and cake before Aharah went to several graduation parties with her friends. Azel, Antwon, and Annette decided to spend the afternoon at a movie, leaving Kelly and Kevin alone.

After cleaning the dishes, Kevin sat down next to Kelly and took her hand. This took her by surprise; even when they were alone Kevin rarely wanted romance—exclusively…”Kelly”, he began. “I know you think I’m distant, and unconcerned about our future, but I’m not. I was so hurt over our loss, I was numb. I prayed, and cried, and studied secretly. I’m still not totally on point about all of that, but I know we will be successful, and it’s beginning right now. Come’ on; let’s take a walk. “Right now, Kevin?” “Yes, Now. Please?” Kelly felt fatigued, but was so intrigued by his sudden assertiveness she had to comply. They walked about five blocks, then Kevin stopped in front of a large ranch home. It was brightly painted, and had a beautiful, landscaped lawn. “I know how devastated you were when we lost our home. I was so angry! But I humbled myself and asked God for a miracle, and here it is! It’s ours, baby. What do you think? Kelly was speechless. “How…When…Who…Oh Kevin! Right there in the middle of the street, Kevin put his arms around Kelly’s waist and kissed her long and sweetly. “How’s that for romance, babe?” Kelly blushed as they walked up the steps of their new home. This was their chance for a new start. Kelly didn’t know how, but if Kevin could make the sacrifices it took to obtain that home, if he was beginning to understand his total dependence on God, surely Kelly could work toward a growing, Christ-centered relationship with her husband. She silently prayed for their growth, thanking God for their home, their family, and that she hadn’t slipped into the act of adultery.

Kelly tossed in her bed, not wanting to get up, although the alarm let her know it was time. The phone rang, causing her to look at the clock before answering; it was 8:00 AM “Hello?” “Sister Collins?” “Yes?” “I didn’t wake you, did I?” “Well, yes—you did. How can I help you?” “Do you know who this is?” “Uh…no, but how can I help you anyway?” Kelly said with a smile. Pastor James laughed heartily. “
Welcome back. Ready to get to work?” “Hey Pastor!” “I was hoping my director hadn’t forgotten me that quickly”, he teased. “No, I was just dreaming—this dream that was so…real…” “Wanna talk about it?” “NO. Its kind of…well, no. What time are we due to meet with the planning board?” “10:30 AM sharp. Need a ride?” “No thank you, Pastor, I think I’ll take a cab.” “Okay. See you there”. Kelly sat up and looked around. Her king-sized bed and satin sheets were a far cry from her meager dwellings of just five short years ago. If only things had really turned out as she had just dreamed—but no; God had made other plans for Kelly, Kevin and their four children. God had done all He had promised. Her writing had indeed brought her out of her financial straits; she now had three books on the best-seller list, and was traveling 30 weekends a year doing promotions and appearances. Her children were all either in college, or grad school—each on scholarship. Her prayers for her pastor, had consummated in fruitful ministry, of which she was a growing part, and were influencing him exactly as she requested. First, his sermons took on new power, as he expounded the scriptures with the authority that caused the lives of long time bench members to be changed. Next, his commitment to God was evidenced by his regular attendance at prayer service, and the creation of a men’s bible study—which he taught. He became so focused and faith filled that, after obtaining credentials to become an administrator of a non-profit organization, he quit his secular job, and began a recreation center which reached out to the HIV+ community surrounding the church, as well as students, seniors, and single parents. Today’s meeting with the planning board was to review the proposal Kelly had written for a youth writing program, which would expand the center’s current outreach, and to confirm her appointment as director of Teen Programs. She and Pastor James had become good, but not close friends in the last three years, and it was apparent he wanted more. After returning from her trip with her childhood friends, she decided to tenaciously pursue her writing career. She began by writing several articles for Christian magazines, using some of the material she created while working on a newsletter with the youth in her former church. She wrote tracts for youth and expository pieces based on what God revealed in her spirit during her intense devotional times—which had now increased to six hours daily. She grew in her love and understanding of Kevin, and only fellowshipped at Mt Holiness twice a month, seeking to remove herself from the temptation to her private fantasy. When she began to be published, their income began to increase, and she felt they could regain all they had lost, but sales were sporadic and were not quite enough to move into a larger home; they managed to remodel their current space, so that she could have a separate place in which to write, and Kevin’s faith seemed to be growing. His apparent resentment over the turn in their finances began to fade. Their home had more laughter now, and Kelly got closer to Kevin’s family. Just when she thought their life together would finally flourish, the bottom fell out—again. Just about the time Aharah was to graduate from high school, Kevin had been killed in a tragic accident, which also took the life of the 16 year-old driver of the stolen vehicle, and maimed her willing cohorts for life. Kelly was shattered; the children were heartsick. She could not imagine going on without Kevin, but just when she felt she could no longer endure the loneliness and despair, she saw God bring Kevin’s eleven brothers and sisters, and his mother to a personal relationship with Jesus, and her books began to take off. Finally, Kelly could see a purpose in her widowhood at such a young age. She found herself inundated with speaking and book signing requests, talk show appearances, and product endorsement appeals. As she discussed her life and the odd turns it had taken on national TV, she discovered new strength, new joy, and intense peace. She had no time to consider a personal relationship with any man. She reminisced about all these things as she dressed in a classic navy-checkered suit for the meeting, and wore one of her signature earring, necklace, and bracelet ensembles. It was important that the planning board not think her too “celebrated” for the position. They wanted to know she was committed to the title, capable, and most of all a “team player”, willing to be responsive to the community’s changing needs. At about 10:00 AM, Pastor James knocked on her door. She was surprised to see him—he had never been to her home before—but graciously invited him in. “It was very kind of you to come, but I really would have taken a cab”. “Yes, I know”, responded Pastor James, maintaining a gentle, serious tone. “I was hoping we could talk a bit before the meeting.” “Is something wrong, Pastor?” “No, no; I just need to talk to you, if I may.” Kelly froze in place. Pastor James reached for her hand, beckoned her to sit, and looked deep into her eyes. “You know, when I first saw you, I very innocently desired to get to know you; I sensed the glory of God on your life in a powerful way—besides, I found you very beautiful.” Kelly blushed, and they both chuckled, as he looked down, then back up. “When I discovered you were married, I thought my hope of having a relationship with you would dissipate—but it didn’t; it actually increased. This is why I never responded in a personal way to your cards. My struggle to maintain a pure thought life, and remain true to my calling, grew my faith, and my ministry. I noticed I spent more time in the Word, my understanding was enlarged, and I longed to spend more time with my Savior. I perceived a deep need to lead—not send—the congregation into prayer each Tuesday night. As I cried out to God, acknowledging my need for His power to affect the work He had given into my hand, He met every need. As you know, I’ve been able to go into full-time ministry, I’ve seen lives changed—my own included—and the center is flourishing with more provision than I’ve asked for.” Pastor James was still holding Kelly’s hands, and she was quite uncomfortable now, yet he didn’t let her go as he continued. “What I’m trying to say is, I’ve had many female friends and acquaintances. I’ve been attracted to many women, but I’ve never met a woman who compelled me to draw closer to Christ, to trust Him more, and who made me believe a personal relationship with her would not hinder my ministry. Do you think it’s possible that you could be the help-mate I’ve desired all these years?” Kelly’s palms were sweating now. She nervously pulled away. “I…I’m not sure this is a good time to talk about this. The meeting is in thirty minutes, I’m already nervous, and honestly, I enjoy being single.” “I can see you’re content Kelly, but do you think its possible God is calling you to the ministry of marriage to me?” Kelly got up. She walked over to the dining room table and began arranging the flowers. “Pastor James, I don’t know, but you have been the subject of many of my prayers. Like you, I felt strangely attracted to you from our first meeting, and struggled to maintain purity before Christ in my thoughts about you. I figured if I couldn’t help thinking about you, I would not give the devil a place to defeat me, so I turned those thoughts into intercession. I must say I have seen specific answers to each prayer, and God has done a wonderful work in your life. Each time my prayers were answered, I became more excited about how God was growing you and the ministry, but with the death of my parents, husband, and the financial problems that were storming my life, I had neither time nor inclination to dream of romance”. Kelly paused, then returned to where she had been sitting, but stood. “I’m not ready to consider marriage, or even a personal relationship with you.” Although Pastor held a special place in her heart, Kelly was not sure she wanted the responsibility of being a pastor’s wife, or a wife at all. She enjoyed her freedom, she enjoyed the travel, and the ability to meet and speak with so many men about her love for Christ, without considering how it might look because she had a husband. “Would you consider a date?”, asked Pastor James, undaunted by her seeming reluctance to commit to him. “I guess that’s possible. Right now we’d probably best be on our way to that meeting”, said Kelly, gathering her purse and matching briefcase, and moving toward the door. “I want you to know I’m not a quitter. I won’t give up on winning your heart easily”, said Pastor James, as he opened the car door for her. She got in, looked into his beautiful gray eyes, and just smiled. It was a gorgeous fall day, brisk and sunny. She put on her shades to block the brightness of the morning sun. as they drove, she thought how she would have leaped at the chance to be with Pastor Janderson James years ago, but time and wisdom had taught her—even in seemingly good things—to get God’s mind before every decision. Her schedule and her heartache had kept Pastor James out of her thought life for over 4 years or so, even though she attended church as regularly as she could. It had always been in her heart to give a writing workshop for teens, so when the opportunity came to implement one, particularly at the church, she eagerly accepted the challenge, without concern of developing a relationship with him; had God taken her through all this hell just to bring her back to a relationship with Pastor James? “The ministry of marriage?” She had never quite considered marriage as ministry, but perhaps it is. You see, the love of Jesus is contagious, and it draws one upward. He loves us so much that He uses everything and anything to bring us to fullness of life in Him. It is His love—not the love of any other person—that makes us attractive and attracted to all that is like Him. It is also His love that makes us complete, and empowers us to walk into our destiny. When two people love Jesus, it’s hard for them not to love one another, and if other factors like age, availability, personality, and inclination, so deem, perhaps they are being called together to serve God as husband and wife. One thing is certain. Jesus does indeed have something wonderful for each of us! Sometimes what you crave is not for you, but if God has placed a dream in your heart, hold on to it. Don’t be discouraged because it seems difficult, far away, or extraordinary. Accept that longing in your heart as His love, drawing you away from the mediocre to the magnificent! It will be scary—at first. You may have to pass through confusing waters before you reach the shoreline of your future; you may even think your mind is playing tricks on you—so wonderful is His vision for you, but dare to believe, and whatever God places on your heart will be granted. Let no thing make you doubt, and your diligent pursuit will be rewarded, just as He said.

The ride to the church gave Kelly another opportunity to pray. “Oh my Father, this was not a part of the vision you showed me. You never told me initially that I was to take a husband after you took Kevin; could that really have been you saying Pastor James was my next husband? If it was, place your love in my heart for him. I am still much too fragile to trust my emotions. Again, I yield my will to your will for my life and expanding ministry,in Jesus’ name, Amen. Pastor James unexpectedly placed his hand over hers. This time, Kelly didn’t become nervous, or excited. She calmly accepted his embrace without speaking—knowing that if this was God ordained, she could not fight it, and if not ordained by Him, it didn’t stand a chance. With this thought, she confidently put her head back on the tilted headrest, her long, flowing weave blowing in the wind, and enjoyed the moment.

God's Mind, Chapter 5

Chapter 5
On the other side of her emotions was her spirit. In her spirit, she was so happy! Her Dad, the one who taught her about God and the bible, would finally get to go “home” to live with God. He wouldn’t be weak, sick, or short of breath anymore. She could think of nothing so wonderful—even though she knew she would miss him. “Hey Poppy!” She said with a smile. “Kelly; is that you?” “Yes sir, it sure is!” “Are Dennis and Daisy here?” “No, I couldn’t bring them, but they said to tell you they love you. Look at you! You got the goatee going on and everything! How you feelin’?” “Oh I’m okay. I’m not in any pain, just weak. How’s Kevin?” “Oh he’s fine, working hard. You know what? I’ve got just one burning question that I’ve been dying to ask you: Has Jesus been all he said he would be?” My dad turned and looked at me with a smile. His eyes were sunken in his head, and had a death glaze over them. His voice was now just a hoarse whisper, but he responded enthusiastically, “MORE”. That settled most of Kelly’s concerns. Her daddy knew he was dying, and his faith was stronger than ever. This gave her courage that she certainly could walk through this with him. she even felt strong enough to hold him as he died, yet every night as she and her mom put him to bed, she was terror-stricken at the though he might expire during the night, leaving her and her mom to console one another while waiting for the coroner to pick up his body. “Poppy, I know you believe in divine healing; what do you want?” “Well, your mother doesn’t like to talk about it, but I’m ready to go”. I smiled. Well, I want what you want”. With that, they just sat a while. Soon after she would begin to see that although she had faith, and loved God, neither would stop the ache, nor the terror in her heart as she watched her father deteriorate during the last 4 weeks of his life.

Her thoughts of Pastor James held no comfort now, yet she still prayed for his safety and growth in the Spirit when he did cross her mind. She discovered the reality of a relationship with him was pure illusion. The pain she felt was so intense she could feel The Holy Spirit purging her as she emptied her father’s potty chair, helped him ambulate, and put him to bed each night. She and her mom usually sat up about an hour or so after her dad fell asleep watching “Diagnosis Murder”, talking and eating. Her mother had been under such extreme stress for over a year; she had no idea how severely her mom was being affected. She wrote daily in her journal, but never once mentioned her daddy dying. She avoided those words, and all her entries cloaked his death in a blanket of emotion which could have been evoked by anything. She wrote absolutely nothing about Pastor James, but continued to see the futility of this fantasy affair. All her wishing and imagining did nothing for her situation, and even made her feel more guilt about desiring a relationship while her father lay dying, and her husband was at home, diligently caring for their children. She wanted to run away, but there was no where to run. She wanted to cry, but there was no one to cry to. She was choking with grief, smothered in a fantasy, and dying to catch a breath of fresh air that didn’t seem available anywhere. The Sunday morning her father’s spirit left his body, her heart sank, she knew her world would never be the same again. She called Kevin. “Jay?” “Hi honey. How are you?” “Not good. Daddy’s gone, Jay.” Silence over the phone. “I want the kids to come down. Will you bring them?” “I can’t babe; you know I have to work.” That was it! She finally figured out what the basis of the problem of her marriage was: Kevin was emotionally unavailable. He refused to discuss his feelings, and he had no regard for hers! She couldn’t argue; She couldn’t believe he had even said that. “Okay.” “Maybe Melody or Randi will come get them and bring them.” “Okay. “Look, I gotta go. Tell your mom I said hello. I love you.” In the past, Kelly never needed Kevin or her friends to be strong for her; she had enough confidence in God, and nothing had yet pressed her beyond her ability to cope; when her father died, it was as though she lost her “covering” and had no strength to look to, so she became increasingly weak. As long as her father was alive, she knew she was protected by him and never looked to her husband to assume his role as protector. Suddenly she needed him to be someone he had never been, nor was prepared to be, and this was tearing her and Kevin apart. A week after burying her father, Kelly’s mom started getting a strange pain in her back that wouldn’t respond to any medication. They went to the Doctor. “Mrs. Connors your cancer has metastasized. We can give you something for the pain, but you’ll be needing hospice care soon.” Kelly’s mom just nodded, as though in a daze—and she was in a daze. “Hospice care?” Kelly thought. “Isn’t that for people who are dying? Daddy had hospice; don’t tell me…” Kelly’s mom died 3 months later. She was totally unprepared for her departure. They hadn’t talked about it; Kelly didn’t know her mother was that ill, even though her doctors tried subtlety to tell her, and she felt like they had so much unfinished business; she was devastated. This time her entire family joined her in Florida. She had to handle all her mother’s affairs. There she was in this small, rural town. She had met a few people during her father’s illness, but she knew no one. Her mom had introduced her to some distant cousins, but she didn’t feel that familial closeness. The one time she did break down, Kevin broke down too, saying his whole life was a wreck and something about all the mistakes he had made. This further crushed her hope of him ever being the strong, resilient knight she now needed him to be. She was insulted. Everything he was crying about could be fixed; her mother was dead, and she wasn’t coming back, and she could not even lean on Kevin to grieve her loss. During the months following her parents’ death, she was an emotional wreck, vacillating between deep faith, and deep depression. When she wasn’t crying, she was in terror of seeing a spirit. Then, her health began to fail. She developed high blood pressure, and her blood sugar also escalated. She gained weight, and was just generally miserable. Kelly and her family remained in her parents’ home until all the particulars of the will could be finalized. Instead of this being her comfort, it became the source of her deepest sorrow. A pain in her chest greeted her each morning, along with the pervasive though that her parents were dead. She was an orphan now. She was no longer anyone’s daughter. Pastor James was a distant memory. It was Kevin who was with her, providing for their family, holding her—even though she had to ask to be held—and being her companion, even though she could not get any emotional support from him. Kevin gave her all he had, and it wasn’t his fault she had wanted to be “Superwoman” 17 of the 20 years they had been married. The thought of moving back home initiated her healing. She believed the sooner she left that house, the sooner her heart could mend. Philly was large enough and had enough distractions to keep her mind on other things. It took two years to straighten out all the property and cash involved in her parents’ estate. Kelly’s health improved, and she lost about 80 lbs. When they finally sold the house and sent the last check to the last next of kin, they packed up their clothes and returned to Philadelphia. Using some of the money they made from selling the house, they put a down payment on a small three-bedroom house. The remaining money sustained them while Kevin sought to regain a place in the consulting business, and Kelly continued to write. Completely healed of her attraction to Pastor James, but still struggling in her relationship with Kevin, Kelly pondered whether or not to return to Mt. Holiness. “If nothing else, I’ve got to return to make sure I’m beyond this temptation. Okay. I won’t join the church, but I will go back, and maybe visit occasionally.” Kelly waited 4 weeks after returning to Philadelphia before attending church services at Mt. Holiness. She arrived in time for Sunday school and was delighted to see several of the acquaintances she had made during her brief fellowship three years ago. One of the female deacons she had met came over to hug her. “Kelly, is that you?” said Deacon Freeman. “Yes, it’s me!” said Kelly with a big smile. “You look great; how are you?” “All things considered, I am marvelous; you look wonderful too! I’ve missed you guys so much and the church looks really nice. How’s Deacon Raiford?” “Oh she’s just fine. She’s around here somewhere; are you living nearby?” “No. We purchased a home on the eastside, on State Street. “That is just wonderful; I’m so happy for you!” As Kelly continued to chat, service began. She and Deacon Freeman embraced again and took a seat. Kelly looked straight up into the pulpit, unintimidated by the thought of seeing Pastor James. The organist still had his anointing, and Kelly was quickly captivated by the music. When Pastor James came into the pulpit, she was so immersed in the service, she did not even see him at first. He then began to sing the lead of the song, and she recognized his voice before his face. The years had been kind to him. His hair was graying and brought out the color of his eyes. It seemed he had been working out some, but he still had the appearance of a middle aged gentleman, a bit overweight, yet stately. His clothes reflected his distinct taste, and she could tell from his double take that he remembered her. She was absolutely unmoved. “Oh, thank you Jesus!” Kelly shouted in her mind. “Boy am I glad that’s over!” She felt so free in service she began to dance as she sang: “Victory is mine, Victory is mine, Victory today is mine!” What an appropriate song for her to hear just as she saw Pastor again for the first time; she was elated, but still guarded. “I will not join here, but I will visit bi-monthly” said Kelly as she left after the morning service. She didn’t bother to look around to see if Pastor was coming her way, she didn’t care; she was just ecstatic to be back in a real city, at a real church, and really free from the bondage of secret sin. She hurriedly walked from the church to her car and drove away. Unknown to her, the eyes of Pastor James followed her into her car, and down to the stop sign.