God's Mind, Chapter 5

Chapter 5
On the other side of her emotions was her spirit. In her spirit, she was so happy! Her Dad, the one who taught her about God and the bible, would finally get to go “home” to live with God. He wouldn’t be weak, sick, or short of breath anymore. She could think of nothing so wonderful—even though she knew she would miss him. “Hey Poppy!” She said with a smile. “Kelly; is that you?” “Yes sir, it sure is!” “Are Dennis and Daisy here?” “No, I couldn’t bring them, but they said to tell you they love you. Look at you! You got the goatee going on and everything! How you feelin’?” “Oh I’m okay. I’m not in any pain, just weak. How’s Kevin?” “Oh he’s fine, working hard. You know what? I’ve got just one burning question that I’ve been dying to ask you: Has Jesus been all he said he would be?” My dad turned and looked at me with a smile. His eyes were sunken in his head, and had a death glaze over them. His voice was now just a hoarse whisper, but he responded enthusiastically, “MORE”. That settled most of Kelly’s concerns. Her daddy knew he was dying, and his faith was stronger than ever. This gave her courage that she certainly could walk through this with him. she even felt strong enough to hold him as he died, yet every night as she and her mom put him to bed, she was terror-stricken at the though he might expire during the night, leaving her and her mom to console one another while waiting for the coroner to pick up his body. “Poppy, I know you believe in divine healing; what do you want?” “Well, your mother doesn’t like to talk about it, but I’m ready to go”. I smiled. Well, I want what you want”. With that, they just sat a while. Soon after she would begin to see that although she had faith, and loved God, neither would stop the ache, nor the terror in her heart as she watched her father deteriorate during the last 4 weeks of his life.

Her thoughts of Pastor James held no comfort now, yet she still prayed for his safety and growth in the Spirit when he did cross her mind. She discovered the reality of a relationship with him was pure illusion. The pain she felt was so intense she could feel The Holy Spirit purging her as she emptied her father’s potty chair, helped him ambulate, and put him to bed each night. She and her mom usually sat up about an hour or so after her dad fell asleep watching “Diagnosis Murder”, talking and eating. Her mother had been under such extreme stress for over a year; she had no idea how severely her mom was being affected. She wrote daily in her journal, but never once mentioned her daddy dying. She avoided those words, and all her entries cloaked his death in a blanket of emotion which could have been evoked by anything. She wrote absolutely nothing about Pastor James, but continued to see the futility of this fantasy affair. All her wishing and imagining did nothing for her situation, and even made her feel more guilt about desiring a relationship while her father lay dying, and her husband was at home, diligently caring for their children. She wanted to run away, but there was no where to run. She wanted to cry, but there was no one to cry to. She was choking with grief, smothered in a fantasy, and dying to catch a breath of fresh air that didn’t seem available anywhere. The Sunday morning her father’s spirit left his body, her heart sank, she knew her world would never be the same again. She called Kevin. “Jay?” “Hi honey. How are you?” “Not good. Daddy’s gone, Jay.” Silence over the phone. “I want the kids to come down. Will you bring them?” “I can’t babe; you know I have to work.” That was it! She finally figured out what the basis of the problem of her marriage was: Kevin was emotionally unavailable. He refused to discuss his feelings, and he had no regard for hers! She couldn’t argue; She couldn’t believe he had even said that. “Okay.” “Maybe Melody or Randi will come get them and bring them.” “Okay. “Look, I gotta go. Tell your mom I said hello. I love you.” In the past, Kelly never needed Kevin or her friends to be strong for her; she had enough confidence in God, and nothing had yet pressed her beyond her ability to cope; when her father died, it was as though she lost her “covering” and had no strength to look to, so she became increasingly weak. As long as her father was alive, she knew she was protected by him and never looked to her husband to assume his role as protector. Suddenly she needed him to be someone he had never been, nor was prepared to be, and this was tearing her and Kevin apart. A week after burying her father, Kelly’s mom started getting a strange pain in her back that wouldn’t respond to any medication. They went to the Doctor. “Mrs. Connors your cancer has metastasized. We can give you something for the pain, but you’ll be needing hospice care soon.” Kelly’s mom just nodded, as though in a daze—and she was in a daze. “Hospice care?” Kelly thought. “Isn’t that for people who are dying? Daddy had hospice; don’t tell me…” Kelly’s mom died 3 months later. She was totally unprepared for her departure. They hadn’t talked about it; Kelly didn’t know her mother was that ill, even though her doctors tried subtlety to tell her, and she felt like they had so much unfinished business; she was devastated. This time her entire family joined her in Florida. She had to handle all her mother’s affairs. There she was in this small, rural town. She had met a few people during her father’s illness, but she knew no one. Her mom had introduced her to some distant cousins, but she didn’t feel that familial closeness. The one time she did break down, Kevin broke down too, saying his whole life was a wreck and something about all the mistakes he had made. This further crushed her hope of him ever being the strong, resilient knight she now needed him to be. She was insulted. Everything he was crying about could be fixed; her mother was dead, and she wasn’t coming back, and she could not even lean on Kevin to grieve her loss. During the months following her parents’ death, she was an emotional wreck, vacillating between deep faith, and deep depression. When she wasn’t crying, she was in terror of seeing a spirit. Then, her health began to fail. She developed high blood pressure, and her blood sugar also escalated. She gained weight, and was just generally miserable. Kelly and her family remained in her parents’ home until all the particulars of the will could be finalized. Instead of this being her comfort, it became the source of her deepest sorrow. A pain in her chest greeted her each morning, along with the pervasive though that her parents were dead. She was an orphan now. She was no longer anyone’s daughter. Pastor James was a distant memory. It was Kevin who was with her, providing for their family, holding her—even though she had to ask to be held—and being her companion, even though she could not get any emotional support from him. Kevin gave her all he had, and it wasn’t his fault she had wanted to be “Superwoman” 17 of the 20 years they had been married. The thought of moving back home initiated her healing. She believed the sooner she left that house, the sooner her heart could mend. Philly was large enough and had enough distractions to keep her mind on other things. It took two years to straighten out all the property and cash involved in her parents’ estate. Kelly’s health improved, and she lost about 80 lbs. When they finally sold the house and sent the last check to the last next of kin, they packed up their clothes and returned to Philadelphia. Using some of the money they made from selling the house, they put a down payment on a small three-bedroom house. The remaining money sustained them while Kevin sought to regain a place in the consulting business, and Kelly continued to write. Completely healed of her attraction to Pastor James, but still struggling in her relationship with Kevin, Kelly pondered whether or not to return to Mt. Holiness. “If nothing else, I’ve got to return to make sure I’m beyond this temptation. Okay. I won’t join the church, but I will go back, and maybe visit occasionally.” Kelly waited 4 weeks after returning to Philadelphia before attending church services at Mt. Holiness. She arrived in time for Sunday school and was delighted to see several of the acquaintances she had made during her brief fellowship three years ago. One of the female deacons she had met came over to hug her. “Kelly, is that you?” said Deacon Freeman. “Yes, it’s me!” said Kelly with a big smile. “You look great; how are you?” “All things considered, I am marvelous; you look wonderful too! I’ve missed you guys so much and the church looks really nice. How’s Deacon Raiford?” “Oh she’s just fine. She’s around here somewhere; are you living nearby?” “No. We purchased a home on the eastside, on State Street. “That is just wonderful; I’m so happy for you!” As Kelly continued to chat, service began. She and Deacon Freeman embraced again and took a seat. Kelly looked straight up into the pulpit, unintimidated by the thought of seeing Pastor James. The organist still had his anointing, and Kelly was quickly captivated by the music. When Pastor James came into the pulpit, she was so immersed in the service, she did not even see him at first. He then began to sing the lead of the song, and she recognized his voice before his face. The years had been kind to him. His hair was graying and brought out the color of his eyes. It seemed he had been working out some, but he still had the appearance of a middle aged gentleman, a bit overweight, yet stately. His clothes reflected his distinct taste, and she could tell from his double take that he remembered her. She was absolutely unmoved. “Oh, thank you Jesus!” Kelly shouted in her mind. “Boy am I glad that’s over!” She felt so free in service she began to dance as she sang: “Victory is mine, Victory is mine, Victory today is mine!” What an appropriate song for her to hear just as she saw Pastor again for the first time; she was elated, but still guarded. “I will not join here, but I will visit bi-monthly” said Kelly as she left after the morning service. She didn’t bother to look around to see if Pastor was coming her way, she didn’t care; she was just ecstatic to be back in a real city, at a real church, and really free from the bondage of secret sin. She hurriedly walked from the church to her car and drove away. Unknown to her, the eyes of Pastor James followed her into her car, and down to the stop sign.